The Jeremy Show

steelcase

2011-08-24T21:43:00.000-05:00

At work there is lots of Steelcase office furniture left over from the fifties. I actually don't know if it's from the fifties. It could be from the nineties.

I think our generation thinks everything not from the 00's is from the seventies- there is a design gap from what we remember as children or what we saw in movies, etc and its all wrong. No, that ugly building is not "from the seventies" it's actually from the forties and it's beautiful.

Anyway Steelcase office furniture from "the fifties"- ridiculously heavy filing cabinets and desks painted a slightly metallic yet dull grey. Intimidating grey metal chairs with green vinyl padding and rubber arm rests. Something you would sit in outside the principals office. It all has me thinking I want to create a writing corner or room in my apartment. My laptop and an ashtray and a coffee mug and a filing cabinet. Trying to create some version of 1950s New York in Chicago.

Isn't everyone everywhere always around the world trying to create some version of New York for themselves? Trying to New York themselves the hell away from wherever they are (mentally, spiritually, sexually). If they are not they should be.

This writerly office fantasy doesn't quite make sense though. Do I want to be a 1950's secretary or a 1950's writer? The answer of course is the former. And that doesn't get me anywhere. Steelcase Office furniture isn't for writing -it's for being sexually harrased while you type. Which is a fine fantasy but that's a lot of very heavy steel office furniture for roleplaying.

I think my real writing fantasy is being Johnny Depp in Secret Room. I think that was the name of that movie. Johnny Depp has fake trendy glasses and walks around in a robe and smokes and writes. I think I've already lived that fantasy! He's in a log cabin as I recall which I am indifferent about. And it's written by Mr. Stephen King who I adore. I love all of his fake East Coast towns. His female characters are the best (says this gay man). Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes and Dolores Claiborne. Cujo! Cujo was an angry male dog but who can forget that yellow Toyota and the blond woman who played the mom. Held captive inside a yellow hatchback! Terrified of a Rabies! So eighties or fifties or twenties.

All I know is that I have to smoke while I write. Or know that I can smoke at some point very easily. Self destructive writer tools- alcohol, cocaine, nicotine. With every beautiful word exhaled to the world, a little hit of equally delicious poison taken. That's a mixed and or inablanced metaphor if I've ever written/blogged one.

Footnote to Howl

2011-06-19T14:54:00.002-05:00

Footnote to Howl
Allen Ginsberg

Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy!
The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand
and asshole holy!
Everything is holy! everybody's holy! everywhere is
holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman's an
angel!
The bum's as holy as the seraphim! the madman is
holy as you my soul are holy!
The typewriter is holy the poem is holy the voice is
holy the hearers are holy the ecstasy is holy!
Holy Peter holy Allen holy Solomon holy Lucien holy
Kerouac holy Huncke holy Burroughs holy Cas-
sady holy the unknown buggered and suffering
beggars holy the hideous human angels!
Holy my mother in the insane asylum! Holy the cocks
of the grandfathers of Kansas!
Holy the groaning saxophone! Holy the bop
apocalypse! Holy the jazzbands marijuana
hipsters peace & junk & drums!
Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy
the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the
mysterious rivers of tears under the streets!
Holy the lone juggernaut! Holy the vast lamb of the
middle class! Holy the crazy shepherds of rebell-
ion! Who digs Los Angeles IS Los Angeles!
Holy New York Holy San Francisco Holy Peoria &
Seattle Holy Paris Holy Tangiers Holy Moscow
Holy Istanbul!
Holy time in eternity holy eternity in time holy the
clocks in space holy the fourth dimension holy
the fifth International holy the Angel in Moloch!
Holy the sea holy the desert holy the railroad holy the
locomotive holy the visions holy the hallucina-
tions holy the miracles holy the eyeball holy the
abyss!
Holy forgiveness! mercy! charity! faith! Holy! Ours!
bodies! suffering! magnanimity!
Holy the supernatural extra brilliant intelligent
kindness of the soul!

Berkeley 1955

The Acting Life

2011-05-07T10:47:00.002-05:00

I was recently asked by a weekend house guest about my much talked about former career as an actor. This is something I hesitate to talk about. I am not ashamed or sad about this period in my life. It's just not something that matters much to me anymore. I have settled down comfortably. So many things have changed. I have a cat now as well as a Blu-Ray Disc player. I've reached that period many have spoken about in O Magazines. I'm not looking back anymore and I have entrepreneurial interests. I am thinking about starting a small business making homemade scented soaps and lotions with old timey labels that go bad after a week because they contain no preservatives, something I think is very important.

But as she was a houseguest, I indulged her curiosity and opened up my mental scrapbook of my life "on the boards." We made a pot of tea and I opened up a package of sea salt crackers that I received in a Tuscan themed gift basket from my lawyer. As I sipped a Coke Zero and munched on some Fiery Hot Cheetos, we went back.

I began my theater career as many do, in secondary school. I was cast as the leading role in "Twelve Angry Men," a classic absurdest play about 12 men who are locked in a room. These men are obsessed, for whatever reason, with a murder that took place. The play is five hours long and is a very confusing comment on a very important issue about society. Of course, the cultural significance of the play and the critical acclaim it garnered was lost on me at such a young age. This was my first play, my first leading role. What I remember about this play the most was that it was my very first (and not surprisingly not my very last) experience surrounded by an entire cast of male and female homosexuals.

If someone saw what was going on outside of rehearsals and performances they might have though they stumbled into a apocalyptic brothel. The show was, for that reason, halted before its final weekend due to a syphilis outbreak that plagued everyone but the director and myself. Many of the people involved in the outbreak never recovered and are institutionalized to this day. I know this because my friend requests on Facebook are left unanswered. I assume these "dummy pages" were set up by friends and family to protect their loved ones. I won best actor for this performance which gave me freedom to literally pick and choose my projects in the future.

The next role I chose was during my senior year of college at the very prestigious McHenry County College. It was the lead in "Crimes of The Heart" a melodrama about southern women. The play was a comment on society and women talking in southern ways about someone who died and a lawyer comes over and sets things straight. I played the much coveted role of the southern lawyer who comes to the house with a briefcase and says pessimistic things. One of the women falls in love with my character because he is a good guy and she's had enough of her old boyfriend who is pretty mean.

During the second night of the play, I had an experience which frightened me. In a scene at the kitchen table, I blanked out and forgot everything. I sat silent for what seemed like an hour. Luckily my co-star, a noted lesbian, prompted me with my line and we got on track again. Although I ultimately recovered and moved on, the school never did. The school administration and the media were thrust into a veritable Japanese Circus because of the incident. The drama department at the school lost its funding. Enrollment dropped dramatically and sadly, a year later, the school burned down in what many believe was an insurance/arson scam or whatever its called when people burn down buildings to get money. This happened to a grocery store in my town. The grocery store was never rebuilt. To this day, when I think about this play I can almost feel the emotions threatining to roll back and take over. Luckily, I have a wonderful psycho-pharmacologist.

After a brief hiatus from acting, the director of "Crimes of the Heart," a closeted, notoriously endowed homosexual, asked me to be the lead in an improvisational comedy experiment. After some initial hesitation, I agreed under the condition that I was paid considerably more than the rest of the cast. He agreed not only because I deserved much more than the others, but because I threatened to out him to his wife, who coincidentally, was a well endowed, alcoholic lesbian.

The improvisational experiment proved to be a success. The other actors (all homosexuals and one bipolar transvestite amputee) were mostly competent performers. But it was my name, and my precision comedic timing that filled those seats. The audience and the other critics knew this and suffered through the scened I was not in. When I left the show, due to a Tuberculosis scare, the show and the theater shut down. I often think about those actors now while cutting my toenails or emptying the bathroom trash can. I wonder if they are still performing or if they have, like most sexual deviants, taken jobs in IT. Perhaps they can find a way to infuse some of what they learned from me into their daily lives. That's all I can hope for.

My houseguest was very interested in my Oscar winning performances in "The Lighthouse," "Julie's Plan," "The Mopwasher," "Careful Who You Kiss" and "The Des Moines Affair." She was very sad that she found no mention of these films in any film periodicals or even online. I understood, you can usually find anything online. Like, let's say you find that there are some mischievous chipmunks in your dishwasher. You can type "I have chipmunks in my dishwasher" into Google and sure enough Delores in Seattle is posting about her chipmunk experience on DishwasherForum.

There is no information about these films because I have not allowed it. No DVD releases, no midnight screenings, no fan clubs. I have controlled this part of my life and any information concerning it. I did this, again, not because I have anything to hide. I did this to protect the people involved in these films- most, if not all alcoholic homosexuals and lesbians. Of course, I wouldn't say I agree with their "alternative lifestyles." I do believe that whatever happens in your bedroom should stay in your bedroom and/or on videotape carefully kept in Steve Madden shoe boxes under your bed.

Unfortunately, whether or not she knew, it was time for my house guest (a bicurious ventriloquist) to go. I escorted her to the door, firmly, by the arm. She thanked me for the weekend, and I thanked her for coming. She had one more question, and I indulged her. "Will you ever return to acting?" she asked.

This is a tough question that I get asked a lot. "For the right role, the right amount of money and the right co-star and the right lighting and the right amount of mayonnaise based chilled salads all in big frosted plastic jewel toned bowls- Yes, of course I would" I said.

And with that I said goodbye and wished her luck with whatever it is that she does and whatever kids or whatever. By then, it was early Saturday morning. I laid down on my couch and took an Ambien and let myself remember... just for a few minutes.

I'd be safe and warm

2011-05-01T08:43:00.004-05:00

I had double teachers for fifth grade. Two rooms seperated by folding vinyl partitions. But the partitions were never closed. Miss B and Mrs. White. Both very large women who wore Mu-Mus and Birkenstocks with pantyhose. I believe they may have both worn wigs. The only reason I am hesitant about this is because I don't understand why they would have chosen these wigs. Miss White had white curly hair and Miss B had a brown greyish curly mop.

This was in San Jose, California. You didn't walk down long stuffy waxed hallways like schools in Illinois to avoid below zero temperatures. To go to the boys bathroom (a frightening destination whatever the climate) you had to go outside and cross a large sunny concrete courtyard. I tell you this not because it has anything to do with anything. Just to remind myself of the feel of California. Cacti and palm tree landscaping. Those dry bark wood chips on the playground (another frightening place). The boys bathroom, playgounds, parties- I don't like places where you encounter other people and are expected to socialize with them solely because you are in their proximity.

I don't know if Miss B and Miss White were married to men or not. I do know that they were lesbians. Any two portly teachers, with complete disregard for fashion, who insist on having their classrooms combined are lesbians in my mind whether or not they actually are. I can see them intimidating tall, lean, eighties mustached principals and school district superintendents- insisiting that it was their way or the freeway.

Each morning we were given mylar packets of something called Swish! and a paper cup. We were told to swish this mixture of flouride and artificial sweetener for 30 seconds and spit it in to the cup. California must have been pushing dental hygiene for children.

The atmosphere was dictatorial. I realize I would have gargled gasoline if thats what I was told to do by these ladies. They had a reputation for being evil. Something I never witnessed. They just looked crazy and mean.

We had to memorize poems every month. Standing single file in line, we waited our turn to recite with Miss B. or Miss White. Like a literary DMV. They looked at us over their thick glasses and either passed or failed us. We were then waived away and it was the next persons turn.

We watched a seventies Canadian public television show called "Wordsmith." It taught us the basics of word building- latin and greek root words. We took very difficult exams every quarter based on what we had learned from this program. Those who passed the tests were invited to a buffet held in the classroom. Those who failed the test were sent to the library. I think I only made it to the buffet once. It was a St. Patrick's themed affair. I remember mini bagels colored green. And I remember the greek and latin root words and still use them to decipher words I don't know.

Miss Benassi used those scented markers whenever she needed to make a sign of some sort. She would use all caps to write "Math Test Today" and then outline the letter with a very thin Sharpie. I still use this technique from time to time and think of it as very elegant and sharp looking.

I was not a very social child if you can believe that. I think I was already blanketed by mild fear and depression at this age. My goal was to make it through the day and go home to listen to my records- The Sound of Music Soundtrack or "Barbara Mandrell Live!"

One or two children would be offered the opportunity to leave class early each day and work in the lunchroom. A sweet deal as far as I was concerned. Helping the cafeteria ladies set up milk cartons or small foil trays of warm food. Then I worked the milk line. Passing out chocolate or plain white milk to my customers.

I did have one friend named Cykathia. A black girl, with braids that defied gravity. She was a tough, funny broad who liked my style I guess. This choice of friend continues to this day. Any friends were never met outside of school, however. I don't remember this every being requested by me or suggested by my parents.

After fifth grade, we moved to Illinois. Sixth grade, whether just by the nature of it being sixth grade or because it was a new school- it was very difficult. Puberty taking over young brains like very serious cases of schizophrenia or psychosis. These groups of children seemed to know each other from birth. I was a strange outsider with a potbelly, bad teeth and an appreciation for the arts. No one was having any of it.

I miss the weather in California. The dewy mornings and gentle warm sunlight. Smells of Eucalyptus and Pine. I don't even know if there was Eucalyptus - but something cleansing, mentholated and sweet is in the air. Maybe it's a blip in my medication, but I just realized that is where I want to end up. That's where I want to expire. On cool sheets in Northern California.

So Chico's

2011-04-10T08:18:00.002-05:00

What makes her so Chico's?

She's got a no nonsense look out on life. She's got adult children and a lime green jumpsuit with a chunky belt and a graphic scarf!

She's got a dinner date and a black and white maxi dress that makes a statement! She's put her foreclosed home behind her and she's stepping out on a blind date with her gladiator sandals.

She used to be a Virginia Slims girl- fearless in the 80's. Now she's a Chico's girl- soo fearless in the 00's. She's got COPD and a mauve clutch!

She's not afraid of over sized Moroccan style jewelry made in China.. She's got borderline personality disorder but she's keeping it under control with a new therapist and a mild anti psychotic! So. Chico's.

You'll know she's Chico's on the beach with a large brim brown and white sun hat. She's got a passion fruit iced tea and the new paperback Anita Shreve!

Diet Coke makes her jittery, coffee makes her crap her cropped chino's.

She's so Chico's.

The one who cares the most wins.

2011-03-20T18:16:00.004-05:00

They don't make casts like they used to. They used to be snowy white fiberglass, like white drywall. Bright magic marker drawings. Dangerous boys had them. Now they are sporty. Less scary.

Gone too are the days of Blockbuster Video. I used to spend several hours picking out just the right movie. Listening to boyfriends fight with girlfriends over what to rent. Husbands on cellphones listing the new releases to wives at home. Triple digit late fees. Such guilt.

And Borders is closing. Someone should write a book about the culture of Borders. I don't have that kind of time. Such filthy disgusting bathrooms. Magazines from around the world. Strange tattoo porn in broken cellophane.

The Body Shop is on its way out too. And we're not gonna have Oprah to kick around anymore.

Surprisingly this doesn't depress me. I'm all for a pop cultural makeover. It's time to move on. Not for ME to move on. It's time for culture to move on and I'll take whatever it throws at me.

Insects

2010-05-23T12:02:00.000-05:00

She was the only woman talking on the train. Very loud at seven thirty in the morning. Planning a children's beach birthday party.

"Yeah we're just going to the beach. Yeah! We thought, you know, just make it easy. Bring a cooler. Buckets and shovels as party favors. That's it. The kids can play on the

beach. Parents can have some wine."

Two women waiting for the red line, in hospital scrubs, underground at the State and Lake stop-

"Shit. Now you know that God will bring you to your knees. To your knees! See we know that. She doesn't fucking know that."

"Oh you don't have to get anything for him. Seriously, we know everyone is having a rough year....we just want it to be simple. But he is really into insects. We can't pull him

away from Animal Planet, so, and he likes Spongebob Squarepants. That's pretty much it. He doesn't watch a lot of Spongebob because we don't have cable. It's just an expense we don't need right now. But yeah a book on insects would be great"

"See it's a process. It's a process. She doesn't know that. It can take a couple weeks, a couple months, a year- shit. And you think she's not gonna tell the judge that her mom

been smoking crack?"

"No, we thought we'd just put it on the cooler. Yeah, just put the cake in the cooler and then when it's time to blow out the candles- use it as a table. But if you have a table

that would be great. Don had a patio table when we first met and he was using it as his dining table and I said, "Get rid of it," you know. Oh but yeah if you could bring a

table that would be great."

"I did all that shit. Fuck. I was real heavy into it. Real heavy. I chose God though. I chose Jesus Christ, and he brought me to my knees. I been clean for six years now."

"Hello...Hello...Bridget? Bridget? Hello?"

The two women underground were accompanied by a pre-teen girl who was listening to the conversation. She seemed embarrassed. Or maybe I was just embarrassed for her.

"Hi Bridget this is Lauren. It looks like we got cut off, I don't know what's wrong with my phone. If you want to give me a call back now or later today, I'd love to continue

planning for Sunday. Thank you so much for offering for us to use your table. Oh! there you are on the other line, Hi Bridget, I don't know how long I was talking and then I was

like Bridget, Bridget. But yeah if you want to bring your table, and please don't spend a lot on gifts. We just want this to be simple, Oh, no problem, sure, we'll talk later. OK bye."

Favorite Films of 1992

2010-05-20T06:59:00.004-05:00

You've all been on pins and needles and eggshells. My complete list of my favorite films of 1992. Why 1992? Because that's how I chose to do this.

1 Husbands and Wives
It's in my top five movies- don't know where it fits. Judy Davis rocked my world.

2 A League of Their Own
2.5 Straight Talk

3 Death Becomes Her
4 Chaplin
5 Shadows and Fog
6 The Player
7 Candyman
8 Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
9 The Crying Game
10 Waynes World

Still Life: Moving

2010-04-18T11:47:00.012-05:00

Favorite Films of 1991 (and 2009)

2010-03-27T14:21:00.007-05:00

1991 was a big year for me. I can't believe I was only fifteen, I really felt like I was an adult. I was also on the verge of exploding into a big homo. I looked at the films that were released that year I realized why.

So much of the gay! My Own Private Idaho was brokeback before Brokeback. Kevin Bacon was in drag in JFK. And I saw my first gay kiss on screen in Truth or Dare.

Favorite Films of 1991

10. Guilty By Suspicion

9. The Naked Gun 2 1/2

8. Thelma and Louise

7. My Own Private Idaho

6. Scenes from a Mall

5. Deceived

4. The Prince of Tides

3. JFK

2. The Silence of the Lambs

1. Madonna: Truth or Dare

Favorite Films of 2009

The criteria is:

1. Movies I can remember (I saw A Serious Man- but have no memory of it, I am getting old).
2. Movies I will probably watch again

10. The Young Victoria
9. This Is It
8. Up
7. Star Trek
6. Disney's Earth
5. A Christmas Carol
4. Julie and Julia
3. The September Issue
2. District 9
1. Inglorious Basterds

Travel

2010-03-26T17:56:00.003-05:00

If you post one more picture collection of one more Central American or European vacation you go on I'm gonna scream. You in your shorts and tan legs! Wearing the same red shirt everyday, not taking showers, letting your beard grow because your just traveling the world without a care in the world- you make me sick. Some of us have to work!

It's always been your dream to travel and you're doing it and that's wonderful. I guess when we were dating I should have focused less on The Huffington Post and more on Orbitz or wherever the hell you book your flights to Panama or wherever it is you go.

Does it change you? Does it change the way you see me? I mean, has your perception changed? Can you still relate to me?

If we go out to coffee some dreary Chicago night will you be unable to relate to me because you've zip-lined through the rainforest and shared a meal with a native tribe?

Maybe it changes me. I don't know just don't send me anymore pictures of your drunken escapades in other countries.

You don't have to go to Paris to write about Paris. Someone said that. Maybe I did.

I can rent the Travel video from the library and be perfectly happy. This isn't The Amazing Race. You won't get any prizes from me for how fast you make it around the world.

Parties

2010-03-14T12:22:00.005-05:00

I normally don't like parties. There is a quote from the movie Temple Grandin about how she feels about parties- something like "I hate parties- everyone is standing around giving me looks and I don't know what they mean." I can definitely relate to that. I have great difficulty if I sense that someone is being disingenuous. I have figured out that is part of the party game. And it's not bad. You put on your best face. Even a semi-fake face, to get to know people, put people at ease. That is very hard for me to do. A party is not the time to bring your normal self, the self with all the baggage.

Generally, I feel more comfortable in a costume. I dressed up as Julia Child for the Oscar party. I became aware that people saw me as Julia Child not Jeremy. Obviously, people knew I wasn't the real Julia Child. But when they looked at me- they didn't think- "Who is that guy?" If even remotely, they had some way to categorize me in their head. I let the costume do the talking for me.

Socializing in large groups exhausts me. Temple Grandin's mother tried to get her to socialize, even though it exhausted her too, threw her into panic attacks. I am exactly the same way. Her mother wouldn't let her leave parties though. She would bring her into a room and let her calm down and then she would be ok to carry on. I realize that this has worked for me too and I just haven't realized it.

I need a panic room for a party. A room I can go to depressurize.

God Bless The Outcasts

2010-03-12T16:53:00.004-06:00

Today I did not go to McDonalds. I just wanted to eat without homeless people around. As terrible as that sounds, it's the god's honest truth and I would say it to their face. It's not about them, it's about me.

Yesterday I did go to McDonalds. As I ate my McChicken I looked around and seventy five percent of the patrons were homeless. One woman sat snoring with the remnants of a Value Meal strewn before her. Another sat on what must have been her coffee break from roaming the streets, large bags full of plastic bags at her feet.

Today I decided to go to Jimmy Johns. While I stood outside having my pre-meal cigarette, a small man in a dirty winter jacket wandered around with a styrofoam cup. He carried a sign that said something about how he had the AIDS virus and needed money. I don't know exactly what it said, I read it quickly. It was a very large sign with lots of words and I was just too tired.

I chose Jimmy Johns because they don't seem to cater to the homeless. It's a cheery place with Kitschy signs that create a very relaxed environment for the temporary employee on their break. I sat down and ate my "Pepe" or "Tom Tom" or whatever whimsical name they have for a ham sandwich and read The Onion. In the world of Jimmy Johns and The Onion the world is a sarcastic, smirky, condescending place- we're all in on one big inside joke and we love it.

The thing is, I identify so strongly with that man on the street carrying that sign that it scares the hell out of me. In my head, I am just one missed Comcast payment away from being homeless. I can see myself so clearly wandering the streets with a sign "Please spare some change- No Netflix."

Yesterday I bought some RC on the way home. RC. That's how bad it's getting.

And what do I plan to do about. For the moment I plan to have another cigarette and take a nap, thank you very much. It's been a complicated week full of data entry and American Idol -my head is spinning.

It's good to be back.

The Jeremy Show Interviews: Author Mike Albo

2009-07-16T17:13:00.004-05:00

With all my favorite shows in reruns (except for Big Brother, The Fashion Show, Whale Wars, Deadliest Catch, Cake Boss, etc.) I've had the opportunity to read a little bit more. I came across a wonderful gay memoir in the Chicago Public Library called Hornito: My Lie Life. The author, Mike Albo, was named "the ultimate satirist of the downtown New York social landscape" by The New York Times. We had a wonderful conversation- I thought I'd share it with you.

You wrote your book Hornito: My Lie Life in 2000, pre-9/11, pre-Two Girls and One Cup. When you look back on writing it, getting it published, seeing it for the first time- what memory stands out to you the most?
Ha...I love that you put 9-11 and Two Girls and One Cup in the same sentence! Bravo! Hornito was not just a book of the moment before all that, it was very much a collection of images and emotions and stories from my brain since birth. That book is the most physical embodiment of my inner life...and I am always so so grateful when someone spends time reading it.

In the book, you describe Eric (the boy you long for throughout the book) as being “only an advertisement for himself, smiling and offering a lovely vacation package to a verdant land that doesn’t exist.” Do you feel like you exist in your work? Or are you offering a lovely vacation package?
Oh man I love your questions. Its tough...at least for me, writing is about trying to connect. I want to pour as much as possible of myself into a book. Its kind of a snag for me because I just cant simply tell a story like some major pro like Stephen King or Dean Koontz. Even the Underminer is emotional to me — that book was about my frustration with post 9-11 America...with Bush, Paris Hilton, and the whole “Lets Go Shopping” era...it was my screed against what total mindless crap becomes successful in this country. But at the same time...I know that to actually write something and have people read it, you have to become an advertisement of yourself. Its interesting...this new book I am working on is all about people as advertisements...I don’t know if you and your readers have noticed, but now everyone is trying to be an ad these days...everyone has a profile...and if you go on Craigslist for a second (which of course I do for total research purposes :) ) you see people saying creepy shit like “I suck dick better!” or “The best bottom in the Upper East Side!” ...people have become half advertising now....

On the back of Hornito: My Lie Life the tagline describes your book as “David Sedaris and Sandra Bernhard rolled into one.” Are you a fan of Sandy? If so, do you think she rubs off in your work?
Ok, first of all, just so you know, we scrubby writers don’t have that much say over the copy that appears on our books. We only have so many battles we can fight for...and that blurb was something the PR people came up with. I think its diminishing...but whatever....but that said, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sandra B. I think more than any other artist. Ms Berhnard has influenced me. She is such an incredible, subtle, lovely, secretly soulful performer. And a great writer.

I found it difficult to carry the paperback edition of the book through my office because of the cover. It sort of looks like porn- with the primary colors and bare chest. Whose chest is on the cover of the book? Did you get to pick that chest?
HA! So funny. As previously said, that cover was not my choice. We C-level writers don’t have much power over our representations. I suppose I could have put up a bitchfest but that’s not my style...the hardback cover was designed by a friend of mine, and I love it. The softcover is good too..in a gross way. People pick up naked torso shots. It is so not me.

Your second book, The Underminer warns the reader against that person in your life that you’ve known forever, who you can’t get rid of and who is always sort of one upping you and picking at you until you are suicidal. Do you have any Underminers in your life or have you gotten rid of all of them? Do you think there is a purpose for an Underminer in our lives?
No one can ever get rid of their underminers. I truly believe that. I am still friends with mine, and he is a great person who I would never shun. People who say “Oh! Yea, I used to have an underminer rin my life but I don’t anymore”? Those people ARE underminers!!!

The design of your website, www.mikeablo.com reminds me a little of the Heaven’s Gate website. It looks sort of like a website for a cult with you as the leader. Did you go about designing it with this sort of feel in mind?
YES!!!! That’s exactly what I am going for!!! I am trying to redesign it now (It takes forever! Do you know how to do it?? Is there anyone out there who can help me for a really crappy low pay???) And it will be getting even MORE cultish and psycho! I am a serious combo of urban-cynical and totally, totally new agey. My friend suzanne calls me a “critical hippie.”

I just stopped writing questions and got lost in your YouTube videos. Really funny. How did you get into performing characters? Did you start out in improv classes or did you just decide to do it…
I tried to take acting classes but I couldn’t handle it.... I learned how to perform by doing it. I wrote poetry in college and did reading and noticed that the more loose and performy I got the more the audience and I connected. Then I started performing in front of people and had to drink two bourbons before I went onstage. Slowly, slowly, I learned about breath, projection and and all that crap you learn.

Can you tell me the contents of your medicine cabinet? Please list every item.
Weird. Um. I have this little cup of random pills that people have given me and I have no idea what they do. I keep meaning to take them.

You say in your first book that you “hate the hairless-beauty youth culture.” You wear your hair slightly long with some facial hair. Is this an act of rebellion against the overly groomed gay culture or are you nature-y and outdoorsy?
Maybe? Not totally intentionally, but maybe?

I picked your book up at the library. I am going through a gay fiction phase- can’t get enough of it. Have you ever hooked up in a library? What are you reading right now?
I am reading The Possibility of an Island by Michel Houellebecq...I love him...
I hooked up in the stacks of Columbia University Library stacks. But I am kind of bad at ‘cruising’....

More importantly, what are you watching on TV right now?
I don’t have a TV (well I do but its not connected...) but I CAN WAIT for Project Runway!!! I was a total, complete Battlestar Galactica fan.

When you were little did you dream of being named the “ultimate satirist of the downtown New York social landscape” by The New York Times?
No...i have always dreamed of being a poet. But you know what...at the same time I have always loved satirizing. In 6th grade I performed a satire of Pollyanna in front of the entire class. So I guess its always been in my blood.

Pennies from Heaven

2009-07-11T10:12:00.003-05:00

Forget the global economy and just think about me for a second. The recession has hit me real hard. Actually, I venture to say that I was the first to feel the rumblings back in 2006 or 2007- whenever I graduated from college. That's the day I realized I wouldn't have sweet sweet college loan dollars lining my pockets and coming out of my ears. I flew to Los Angeles with an iPod, a new computer, sunglasses, cigarettes, bags of psychotropic medication and assorted snacks. I stayed in the Hollywood hills at the Oakwood Suites. Air conditioned with beige carpeting. I had the option of maid service and I took that option. She came every week and did my dishes and emptied my ashtrays.

After work on Thursday, I had no money to get to home from work. I needed my paycheck and the beautiful hipster accounting girls were not at there desks that day. Too afraid to track them down, to make a scene.

Broke, hot and in despair, I found myself somehow downtown by the two story McDonalds and the Hard Rock Cafe on Erie or Huron or one of those streets. I called my mother and asked her to put yet another twenty dollars in my account. She does, thankfully, and I immediately buy a pack of cigarettes and head straight to McDonalds for a Filet-O-Fish combo. While devouring the soft fishy goodness I realize that while I have obtained the essentials to survive another evening, I AGAIN have no way to get home.

I begin to dig in my backpack for change, confident that I can rattle up enough nickels, dimes and quarters to get on the CTA. Turns out that I have done this one too many times and I am only able to come up with about a dollar eighty five. Not enough to ride the shiny brown line back home.

I think about calling my mother and asking for another twenty dollars but I can't bring myself to do it. I have to get it together. I have to figure out how to do this grown up thing- get my OWN ride home, buy my OWN food and cigarettes. I fear that one day my mom isn't going to answer that phone call. Then who am I gonna call? Am I gonna call Kara in her New York comedy penthouse and ask her to Western Union me over some cigarette and bus money. It has to stop.

I have scads of pennies in my bag but the CTA isn't interested in my pennies. Outside the Brown line entrance, I pick through handfuls of stinky sticky pennies. While I am picking off pieces of candy and disintegrating mood stablilzers that have fallen out their bottles from my precious pennies a disheveled gentleman approaches me.

I can barely understand this man as I continue to count my pennies. Tangled sentences and phrases fall out of his mouth. "Excuse me sir...Elvis...Haha...Anything you can spare...I am trying to..." Then he wiggles his hands in front of me and laughs. He has no thumbs and seems very delighted by this.

I impatiently inform him that I have no money. "I am counting pennies, I'm sorry." He fades away.

I manage to change my pennies into train fare and while I am riding home I remember the words of our Nation's poet Cher:

When the money's gone
No more caviar
Will you eat fast food in a beat up car
Live life modestly, lost in lotto dreams
Will you find your way though it all with me
Through it all with me

If you could see me the way you see yourself...

2009-06-13T17:47:00.003-05:00

Hey Kids, so sorry it's been so long. I've been so busy watching and re-watching Madonna's new video that I've neglected you. I've been getting on and off airplanes in bathrobes and playing my guitar with pink ribbons around my neck. I'm exhausted!

3 Important Images

2009-04-26T15:17:00.007-05:00

Eminem checking into rehab. Like a tragic version of a kid's first day of school.
I have been a fan of Marshall Mathers for awhile. He's blond and sexy and forbidden, allegedly homophobic- yes. But his lyrics are so raw they have brought me to tears on numerous occasions. I take pills that stop me from crying but Slim's lyrics break open the Lexapro dam and the floodwaters come rushing down.

The album cover for "Yes" by the Pet Shop Boys. Very positive, Obama-esque. I love the colors and the sentiment. The group is known for being a bit dreary. I like when they have an upbeat moment.

By Gerhard Richter. At The Art Institute of Chicago. Woman descending a staircase. This is what my life is about. This is it. This is everything. Uh, I have to lay down.

Grey Gardens with Kara

2009-04-18T16:57:00.000-05:00

Today Kara and had fun paying tribute to Grey Gardens. Can't wait to see the movie!!

Networking

2009-04-15T19:54:00.003-05:00

It's time for me to create a healthy network of coworkers, friends, contacts, ex-lovers, sponsors, supervisors, high school and college alumni. I'm not talking about any facebookery, tweetering or linked-in-ing. I'm talking actual phone numbers on a cell phone and meetups for brunch. I want my schedule to be full of dinners, theatre goings and creative jam sessions.

Soon, I'll be rushing into a Starbucks meeting Steve, a former co-worker who has moved on happily to running his own web-based pottery exchange. I'll lend an ear to his brainstorms and he'll help me out with "NUDE JAM!"- the nude poetry jam I'm organizing for charity. We'll talk over each other and pretend to listen to each other's ideas and one of us will have to get going and the other of us will say that's fine because we really have to get going too.

I'll be one of those people who is always talking on public transportation about some upcoming event in the future- going over the details, looking in my datebook, holding a pen. I'll laugh REAL loud at things that aren't really funny and the person on the other line will say they have to go and I'll say that's fine because I'm on the bus or the train and I should go too. I'll wait a few seconds and call someone else and leave a message about the last phone call I just made, slightly insulting the person I just previously talked to.

I'll have to change at work from my work clothes to my evening clothes because I'll always have something and somewhere I have to be. I will NOT be exhausted and lethargic and only want to come home and watch Roseanne reruns. I will be spending most of my time Downtown now, the best place, really, for all of us to connect. The key word- connect. I'll eat very little and become one of those very skinny skinny fashionable gay boys who has a lot going on and likes to let everyone know it. I'll tell you about my improv classes and business trips and how I've quit smoking as I step outside for a cigarette with you.

I'll come home late and drunk but I'll wake up feeling refreshed and healthy. The next morning I'll slide easily into my seasonally appropriate menswear- a crisp pressed shirt and slacks and form fitting jacket/coat. I'll go global before 8 am- connected to all my Ipod-Touches and Bluetooths and Palm Pilot and Kindels. I'll walk confidently down the street with a credit card that actually works in my wallet. I'll buy my morning coffee with lots of sugar and lots of cream. I'll deposit a healthy tip in the plexiglass tip jar for the twenty something bisexual barista behind the counter.

I'll work on working out the details. I'll consider touching base or reconnecting with that one that seemed like a possibility. The one with the good job and shaved head and good shoes. I'll talk it over confidentially with my twelve closest friends. We'll analyze him and try to understand his motivations and intentions in phone calls made from my bed. I'll drift off in an Ambien haze and wake up and start all over again.

Tour of my Apartment

2009-04-04T09:47:00.003-05:00

It's fucking snowing outside and it's April and this hasn't been the best winter for me so I'd like to forget winter but it's haunting me, every time I turn around it's there. I thought I'd give you a tour of my home.

This is mission control. You'd think I was super busy. You'd think I could create something real special with the cup of markers and the cellphone and the laptop at my disposal. You'd think with all the cigarettes and caffeine I could get something going.

Dishes. These are what I have to do tonight if I can summon the strength of Hercules and the mental stability of Barack Obama.

As you can see I take fashion very seriously as any gay man does and should. Every garment is given the utmost attention and respect. These are high quality fabrics and I am proud to wear them everyday. Each morning, I have a hard time choosing what to wear. They are all so beautiful.

QVC on the tv. This is a really soothing photo for me. I really can't get enough of it right now. I won't go on anymore. This is my POV of life right now.

I really like that bright pink towel. It's caked with toothpaste spit but I really like the color.

One bookshelf. The top half contains my cookbooks. I really like my Martha cookbooks a lot- gifts from Erik and my parents. A year of Martha Stewart and Domino magazines.

This is the shelf by bed. The obligatory can of Pepsi for late night refreshment. Kleenex box with some sort of Tuscan harvest theme. I don't blow my nose so the top tissue probably has some dust on it. Blowing my nose just creates more of a problem I have been told. On the second shelf to the right is my stack of Playbills I have collected over the years. Erik is very blase about playbills.

I've always said your bed should be a luxurious oasis.

DVD collection for the curious.

My garbage for the curious or the bi-curious.

A sampling of some art (or pictures framed) from my home.

Geoffrey Todd Smith's rollercoaster. I love it. Such a metaphor for life, really, wouldn't you say. Erik wants there to be some trees.

A blurry Mapplethorpe.

Painting I found in the garbage of my apartment building.

Keith Haring in a bathtub, also in my bathroom. I like this picture a lot.

A great picture of Bette Midler.

A great picture from SEX by Madonna. It reminds me of all my dear lady friends.

Picture of me and Kara in Villains frame, an Oscar from Heather's Mom and a Lucy present from my sweet boyfriend. I will not take them out of the boxes anymore. I promise. I won't.

Except for this one. She needs to get out and dance!

Well that's it. Thanks for coming over and thanks for sticking through until the end. Excuse me while I sit back and relax and listen to some music on my cheap $20 Mp3 player I bought at Walgreens. See you next time.

Taking some time to enjoy The View

2009-03-29T08:59:00.005-05:00

"I can remember lying frozen in bed, crying because I was too frightened to take a shower, and at the same time knowing that showers are not scary."
-Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon

The quote above pretty much sums up where I have been the last couple months. Living in a dark place. But now I'm back from outer space. I knew I was back when I started watching QVC. For the last couple months I haven't been able to watch tv. Literally, could not watch television. Too much stimulation. Too scary. But I knew I was back when I could watch QVC- Bob Mackie's wonderful embroidered shirts! frozen steaks delivered right to your door! Kitchenaid appliances! I can watch it all day. So soothing to me. Consumer therapy as I try to enter the real world again.

After September 11th, during another breakdown it was the only thing I would watch. I was freaked out, really freaked out about terrorism and dirty bombs and anthrax. Totally overreacting. QVC was the only network that would not mention 9/11. There would be the occasional American flag pin for sale, with a soft mention of the "tough times" our country was going through. But I knew that they wouldn't cut away to a shot of the towers falling. Safe.

I still wasn't ready for The View. Erik mentioned that maybe I had moved beyond the view. Perhaps I was on to better, deeper and more meaningful televisions. FAT CHANCE! It took awhile. I am happy to say I am back watching the ladies around the table discussing "Hot Topics." By the way, something is going on with Whoppi. She has been calling in sick an awful lot. I am very suspicious. Is she terribly ill or is she playing hardball renegotiating her contract. That's really why Rosie left. I'll keep an eye on it for you.

I don't what details to share about my meltdown. I am so happy to have such a patient and caring support system. I was in a LOT of therapy for a long time. I am properly medicated now. This wasn't something that could be solved by exercising or eating a balanced diet. It was not good. It was really bad. I was in a state of anedonia. Nothing made me feel better, nothing made me happy, nothing helped, nothing, nothing, nothing.

One day I was lying in bed under my covers forcing myself to read and I felt ok. Just ok. I don't know if my medication finally kicked or what but I felt ok. I didn't want to jinx it. Didn't want to get out of the bed or turn on the light or stop reading. I felt safe again, the world wasn't so distant. I repeated this again the next day. Staying in bed, underneath the blanket my mother made me. Reading. I have kept taking baby steps since then. Still unsteady, doubting my ok feelings, but pushing through.

Madonna Video Tributes

2008-12-29T21:52:00.004-06:00

I always have very specific and important things I'm looking for when I'm searching for Madonna on YouTube. I have never really stopped to look at the really wonderful Madonna parodies that people have made. So here are some new finds and some old favorites...

This one really made me smile. I really like this one. This is me in about 2 years. I believe Kara and I used to do a similar routine at Crystal Lake.

This version of "Don't Tell Me" is adorable.

This is my all time favorite. Julie Brown with "Party In My Pants" and "Vague." "Kelly Lebrock thinks she's great, she's just cold boogers on a paper plate."

A drunk version of Sooner Or Later.

A "Truth or Dare" monologue that is great! I still want to do a theater parody of the movie that changed my life. But this is a pretty clever scene.

Two very fun and cute boys doing a parody of Future Lovers.

Madonna Dawn and Madonna Jennifer. Their parodies are almost too perfect.

4 Minutes "Le Remake"- Um, I like this video better than the original.

Looking Good, Feeling Gorgeous

2008-12-26T19:46:00.003-06:00

I made a mix of songs that I like. Just a mix of pop, soul and electronic songs for you while you cry and dance alone in your bedroom.

It's getting pretty bad out there...

2008-12-21T11:02:00.003-06:00

I spent this morning watching a lovely Lifetime movie "Lost Holiday: The Jim and Suzanne Shemwell Story." Jami Gertz (Less Than Zero) and Dylan Walsh (Nip Tuck) play an estranged couple who have time to put their marriage back together after becoming stranded on a mountain while snowmobiling. I am a big fan of this genre of made for tv movies. Something about people being stranded in snow.

Stephen King's "Storm of The Century" mini-series is a big favorite. I have never watched the whole thing (even though I own it) because I just like when the characters are preparing for the storm, "It's getting pretty bad out there." Storm of The Century quickly dissolves into a horror movie and I get bored. I loved the book "Icebound" about the doctor in Antarctica who had to perform her own mastectomy.

This morning, I was going to give Erik a ride to work but we couldn't get Erik's car out of the ice because it was so bad out there. Real cold. -4 degrees. Best to stay inside-- you can watch the whole movie right here.

Plinko

2008-12-20T20:42:00.002-06:00

I spent the first part of the day in an anxiety trap. "Ohhhhh... what am I going to do with my life... I am so lost... where has it all gone?" Coffee. Coffee. Cigarettes. Thoughts of committing something which is fatal for me-- the nap.

I am just going to climb into that bed and not come out. I stopped myself.

An anti anxiety pill and a bowl of frosted flakes later, I found myself downloading The Price Is Right PC game from Yahoo. I had to spend 5 dollars on a trial membership to Blockbuster Video to do it. I quickly cancelled my membership without even ordering a DVD. I did peruse their collection, not interested. If I hadn't done it I would have got the DVD's and let the trial period end and then I wouldn't have cancelled.

So I got the video game, and I love it! All of our favorite pricing games are there including Plinko, Cliffhanger, 3 Strikes.

So if you come calling I'll be playing The Price Is Right. Pour yourself a comfy chair and have a seat in a warm cup of hot cocoa and play along. It's really a lot of fun. I highly recommend it.

I think there should be home games of all TV shows. How fun would a home game of The View be? Try your luck at "Hot Topics!" Can you out bitch Elizabeth? Try to make as many Dick Cheney jokes as Joy.

Nate Berkus on HSN

2008-11-22T08:10:00.002-06:00

"If you don't wake up on good sheets right now. You're kind of sending yourself a message," Nate Berkus says about his Percale 220 thread count sheet set. He's on HSN selling cheap stuff. He has a point. If you wake up on sheets you haven't washed in months (like I have been doing) you're sending yourself a message. 220 thread count though? A suspicious number. I wouldn't exactly call these good sheets. Don't try to pull the cotton/polyester blend over our eyes.

I have a love/hate relationship with Nate. He is the gay man I think I should be. Kind, attractive, well dressed, best friends with Oprah. I hate myself instantly when he is on television. The perfect hair, the eyes, the ability to speak to people. Such self confidence. He does look a little scrubby this morning though. Was he out late at the bars in St. Petersburg near the HSN studios? I can't imagine he's still up to that. Maybe he was out shooting another piece for Oprah. "Knock, Knock, It's Nate!" Knocking on another heterosexual couple's door and making over their house. Screams from the audience, the wife cries, Oprah yelling. He is the metrosexual asexual homosexual magician that is acceptable in Oprahland.

One suggestion Nate has is to buy these sheet sets and then invite your friends over for the holidays to sleep on and then say, "I actually want you to take these with you..and see what they say." Your guests come over for Christmas and bring you a normal gift. You tell them, "Those sheets your sleeping on, Merry Christmas." Thanks a lot.

A woman just called in and stopped the show and made everyone very nervous. "YOU DON'T MAKE TWIN SIZE. There are a lot of widows and widowers out here like me." I love these moments on HSN. Nate and the host don't miss a beat, thanking the crazy lady for the suggestion and promise they will speak to the buyers and bring that up.

A reviewer on the website says, "Don't want to give a bad review because I want Nate to do well on HSN and it's his first shot. I got these sheets in the pale pink but was disappointed that they were actually peach so I could not use them. Had to send them back. Hopefully, colors will be true to picture in the future."

I too want Nate to do well on HSN. I need him to be on HSN. Just like the crazy lady who called in.

Ace Mart

2008-11-21T20:50:00.003-06:00

I stumbled upon Ace Mart Restaurant Supply today. The range of products available for purchase is extraordinary. In these difficult times, it eases my anxiety somehow to think about the roles these classic pieces played in our lives.

Caramel Princess Mug $19.38/1 dozen

I believe this mug was designed for mildly depressing continental breakfasts at La Quinta Inns. It's the mug you drink out of while studying yourself in a mirror and questioning why you packed what you are now wearing. There is a sense of excitement about the day. The air smells of chlorine from the pool that is perpetually closed. You forgot your keypass card in the room. You have to wait to go back up to get it because someone is checking when and where to meet the shuttle bus. You wait patiently and sleepy sipping on the warm brownish water that they call coffee.

Burgundy Snap Drape 73.98/each

You know this snap drape. It takes a snap drape to know a snap drape and you're the snappiest drape I know. It's been at all the job fairs and depressing banquet style receptions you've ever been forced to attend. You're pretending to celebrate a wedding or some vague anniversary, spooning up your baked mostacolli, not even thinking about the seventy bucks someone paid for this pleated number designed to hide the legs of a collapsable table.

Guest Check 47.98/box of fifty

You have anxiety problems and you can't handle the period of waiting between finishing eating and your server bringing the check. You want to leave. You need air. You need a cigarette now. You're done talking. But the check isn't coming. You think about asking the waiter/waitress for the check but you've done that before and your friends implied that it was rude. The check is never going to come. Then you have to decipher the check and figure out the tip and then play the "I got it," "No, you got it last time, It's my turn" game for the required period of time. It's all too much. It's just too much. You just want to leave but you can't. Do you go up to cash register or pay at the table? And now someone has to go to the bathroom. You're just going to wait outside.

Enter Talking

2008-11-09T11:08:00.002-06:00

When I moved to the Chicago suburbs from San Jose, CA I spent a lot of time at the library. This was the summer before my sixth grade. I didn't know anyone and had little to do. I wanted to check out the audiobook "Enter Talking" by Joan Rivers (The title of which is based on advice someone gave her about doing standup- that she should always enter the stage talking, so there was no lull, so the energy was up). The librarian at the Crystal Lake Public Library had to call my mom and ask for her permission for me to check out a Joan Rivers book.

I recently found myself at the library again checking out a Joan Rivers book. Regressing. This time there was no hassle from the librarian, besides maybe a raised eyebrow. It was her motivational book, "Bouncing Back (I've Survived Everything...And I Mean Everything..And You Can Too!)" I didn't plan to read it all, I just thought, "what the hell, it can't hurt." I can't put the book down. The book is a strung together collection of motivational bumper sticker "get on with it" sayings infused with Rivers' life experience: her husband commiting suicide, being fired from her Late Night Talk Show, banned from the Tonight Show, the collapse and rebirth of her Jewelry company.

Why do I feel the need to educate you about Joan Rivers! Ugh, I'm so disgusted. Here's Miss Piggy and Joan Rivers. Happy Sunday. Whatever.

Maya Angelou's Caramel Cake

2008-10-26T10:11:00.005-05:00

Erik and I traveled to my parents house to celebrate my mom's belated birthday. I made Maya Angelou's Caramel Cake.

The most exciting part of the cake for me is that I got to use parchment paper. Mmmm parchment paper. Martha is always going on about parchment paper, parchment paper. Like everyone has that laying around. "Just line the bottom of your cake pan with two rounds of parchment paper..." I finally got my hands on some.

Maya asks that you make your own caramel sauce by boiling the water and sugar down. You only use a very small amount and add that to your butter/sugar.

You use the rest to drizzle over the cake later (which I did not do because I knew my mom wouldn't be interested in that). I put it in a mason jar. In fact when we ate it she said, "I will have only a VERY small amount of that, thank you."

Creaming the butter, sugar and syrup. Fascinating!

Foaming the eggs. I was confused because I have done this with egg whites, but not with whole eggs. It's what Maya said to do, but I'm still not sure if that is correct.

The two cakes pre-cooked.

The cooked cake with PARCHMENT PAPER!!! It was very thrilling to peel the paper off.

Frosting the cake. The frosting was sort of difficult (that's why there was no pictures). I started with way less powdered sugar than I needed. It said to use a 16 oz box powdered sugar and I had a big bag from a previous frosting. I measured out 16 oz with a wet measuring cup. So my measurements were off. I kept adding and adding powdered sugar until it worked. I made it work.

The final cake. It was a little flat. My mom said "I can tell you exactly what you did wrong. You didn't push the cakes to the back of the oven." She was right. But I think it turned out ok.

The cake hacked into in my parent's dining nook. My mom said the cake was very good. She is paging through a British Recipes book. Erik and my mother were talking about English/Scottish recipes while I zoned out and took pictures of a cake like an idiot.

Maya Angelou was one of two living poets to read their own poems on inaugural day. She read "Inaugural Poem" for Bill Clinton's inauguration.

Here on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out
And into your sister's eyes, into
Your brother's face, your country
And say simply
Very simply
With hope
Good morning.

Bad Day

2008-10-18T23:13:00.003-05:00

So What!

2008-10-18T17:14:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, it takes an angry pretty lady to get my testosterone flowing. Today, I am really tapping into Pink's masculine, Susan Powter vibe! Some things went down this week and I am on board with Pink when she yells, "We're all gonna get in a fight!!" I could really go for a chainsaw and a cocktail right now.

Web Therapy

2008-10-17T23:36:00.007-05:00

Lisa Kudrow is back in Web Therapy, an internet webisode series. She plays Fiona Wallace a therapist that believes three minute therapy sessions are much more effective than the usual 50 minutes that have patients "going on and on about dreams and feelings that add up to a whole lot of nothin." Bob Balaban, Tim Bagley and others appear as her patients. I love it.

Where's The Party?

2008-10-10T19:01:00.006-05:00

Went to the Art Institute free night last night. I have been there so many times so I wasn't taken away or surprised by much. It's all real good work. Everyone did a real good job on everything. A+ Seurat, A+ Latrec, kudos to everyone. But I'd seen it all before and how lucky I am to have seen it all before.

Reflecting on the evening, over a bowl of curried vegetables and fried rice and chicken I tried to recall what my favorite piece was and I decided, along with the help of Erik, that it was Archibald Motley's "Nightlife." Erik said it was the only thing that made him physically smile. I agree. I smiled inside when I saw it. I want to be in that world.

It's just such an explosion out of repression and depression to sheer euphoria (except for the man who is wasted in the upper right). He's coming down, knows that he has to go back out onto that street, back home, back to the real world.

I also love the Eames Chair. My grandfather had one. Or maybe I made that up. I think he did. Anyway, it reminds me of my grandfather. I want it. I also want to go back to 1987 and I want to be Madonna and I want to where crazy glasses and...

Don't want to grow old too fast
Don't want to let the system get me down
I've got to find a way to make
the good times last
And if you'll show me how, I'm ready now!

Men Commuting

2008-09-07T13:51:00.006-05:00

Here is a photo series of men commuting in Chicago.

Am I A Democrat?

2008-09-05T20:33:00.005-05:00

Recently, at a potluck, I was asked if I watched Sarah Palin's speech. I said that I hadn't. I did turn on the RNC for a second and saw a bunch of white people yelling and screaming, congratulating each other for something. Was it the war? Or I'm sorry- The surge? The surge worked, right? It must have been the surge. Or...the economy? Because it's getting better! Or the continued fight for the preservation of traditional family values? The new "Life Happens" values? I'm still not sure. Anyway, they were all very very happy. It frightened me.

"Oh, you're a Democrat?" this person said.

I was so offended! I've never had this feeling before, but I really wanted to turn around and look to see if this person was actually asking me this question. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I forget that not everyone knows automatically that I am gay. I am. I'm gay. I know that being gay doesn't automatically equal me being a Democrat. I could be a Log Cabin Republican. But I think I danced out most of my sexual shame and internalized homophobia listening to a remix of "Xanadu" in 1999 at Roscoe's So, no, I'm not a Log Cabin Republican either.

Eckhart Tolle wrote in his book "The Power Of Now" about people who are on the outside and how they view the world. Women, Disabled people, racial or ethnic minorities, gender and sexual minorities have a view of the world that is different from anyone in the majority. He says enlightened. I'm gonna say different. So with this different view the minority sees that if you are not in the majority- you are excluded. That's what I saw in that convention hall, exclusion and ignorance.

So yes, I am a Democrat. Because, among a myriad of other reasons, I see people excluded from things on the basis of who they are. Subtly and quietly erased.

And now, predictably, I point you to an excerpt from Madonna's "controversial" video interlude at her concert. I got chills listening to the cheer at seeing Obama's picture.

Madonna's Controversial Video

"You don't have the luxury of time, you have got to say what's on our mind." My MILF, the real MILF, sinews and all, sure does inspire me with her snappy lyrics. She really does.

the lady of the hour

2008-08-30T10:41:00.006-05:00

Crazy lady livin' up there in Alaska. Former head of the Christian Athletes! A former sports anchor! A member of Feminists for Life (what a snappy contradiction). With her cute little glasses on. Can we just have her be president? I'm supposed to hate her but I love her. I am playing right into to his cold white hands.

Standing before all those sexy rugged men in Alaska her boots on, hand over her heart. I am really getting wrapped up in a snow covered lesbian Christian Republican fantasy. Someone better talk me down. The next four years could be a Republican Alaskan Christmastime! I'm thinking I could really give it all up to the corporations and the military. Screw Change and health care. I want the Karen Walker hair and glossy lips. I'll eat canned chicken.

Roseanne Barr said, "The one who cares the most wins...That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over...I cared the most."

The one who cares the most, good or bad, will win. I vow to stop trying to control the election with my mind.

give us more to see

2008-08-26T22:43:00.002-05:00

"Art is the mirror, perhaps the only one, in which we can see our true collective face. We must honor its sacred function. We must let art help us."
-Alice Walker, The Same River Twice

Sprinkler Rainbow Conspiracy

2008-08-22T18:15:00.004-05:00

"Ahhhhh...July 6, 2007, its about 4:30 PM" Words that will life in infamy.

I applaud this lady for keeping her tinfoil hat on while the rest of us sleep. She's keeping an eye on things for us. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. I can also relate to the sheer anxiety she feels. Turning something as beautiful as a sprinkler rainbow into a government conspiracy is a gift, I believe, I also possess.

I hope she can let it go. I hope she is able to sleep at night without dreams of death rainbows.

I just got back from Walgreen's. I bought my weekend essentials: coffee, coke and cigarettes. I also purchased an antidote for all the weekend fun, Prilosec. Another thirty two year old man might be purchasing a case of beer at 1:00 on a Saturday. I'm purchasing over the counter stimulants.

My world view is limited currently. The trek to Walgreens is about as adventurous as it gets for me on a temp salary. While Kara plans a trip to the moon with her mother, I'm keeping it real in the 60640. I don't need a fancy trip or a case of beer. I don't need another hero. Someday I will see life beyond my internal thunderdome. Right now it's black coffee and cigarettes and a Cliff bar (A leftover purchase from last weekend, good choice!).

No drama at Walgreen's, or on the trip there. Passing the weekend edition of the RedEye in my hallway was a bit depressing. It should have had a story about Joe Biden, Obama's pick for VP, but instead the cover story is something about "Do It Yourself Brides." Get it together RedEye. I wanted my sexy enthusiastic RedEye editors staying up late waiting for that text message like the rest of us. But no, they cashed in their chips early, "Stick with the DIY Bride story!" Then they got in their ZipCars and drove out to the suburbs for BBQs.

Joe Biden (is that even what is name is?) looks to me like a villain mayor of Gotham city from a pre-Ledger Batman movie. Oh! We're doomed. We really are. I mean I will be waving my big O flag from now until November but I fear it's a lost cause. The machine (the same one that makes the rainbow sprinklers) is going to steamroll it all to shit. I really wanted the VP text message to look like this:

Or RuPaul or Traci Lords, I don't care. Shake it up! If I have to listen to one more old white man talk I'm gonna turn into an old white man. Again, in the words of Anna Nicole Smith, "I know nothing about nothing. Oh Yes, Oh Yes."

Blueberry Mini-Tarts and the Anti-Depressant Solution

2008-08-17T14:32:00.006-05:00

As a treat for a wonderful Sunday evening at Ravinia, I decided to make Martha Stewart's Blueberry Mini Tarts.

I am also reading and trying to follow The Antidepressant Solution. My experience has been very difficult.

The crust, if I am not mistaken, is a Pate Sucree meaning there is sugar in it. I like it much better than the Pate Brisee which has no sugar and is too floury tasting for my liking.

Stay With Me

2008-08-11T19:07:00.004-05:00

I had the honor of being Mr. D's (the creator of Bootleg Betty, best Bette Midler site ever) guest to see Bette Midler at the opening of "The Venue" at Hammond Indiana's Horseshoe Casino.

We were in the fourth row. The show was magical. Seeing Bette this close was an out of body experience for me. I have loved Bette Midler since I was 11 (see how i got the scar on my nose).

I think my generation knows Bette Midler as the star of "Down and Out and Beverly Hills," "Ruthless People," etc. For me, hearing Bette Midler sing, can be a metaphysical experience. I can't describe it. Words fail me. If you want to know more watch this clip and then go to Bootleg Betty. You have a lot to catch up on. Thank you Mr. D.

Maybe this time I should be the one to go away.
’Cause honey, ain’t it my turn to have somebody
Grab hold of me and say,
"No! Don’t go! You can’t go!"

Television Memories

2008-07-27T00:49:00.004-05:00

My boyfriend's pack porch faces three large apartment buildings. It's very "Rear Window." When I'm out there smoking, I like to look in all the windows. Sometimes you can see what people are doing. More often you can see what people are watching on television which is ultimately more revealing. Lots of CNN, ESPN, MSNBC, American Idol, Family Guy. A lot of straght men. This is the north side of Chicago. Another geographic location would undoubtedly produce a different back porch-Nielsen sample, obviously.

Someone watching me watch television through my window would probably deduce that I am gay or female. And they would be at least partially correct. The View, Project Runway and Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List. The boob factor on Big Brother 10 might throw them off from guessing my sexuality. I do not watch pornography. On my TV. So my sexual tastes wouldn't show up on this peeping tom report. If there were to be any pornography displayed in my apartment, the shades would be drawn, volume kept to a minimum. Respectable.

The only window I have to peer in, outside of my apartment belongs to "The Man Who Washes the Dishes." He has been given this title because this is all he does. I have no further information on this one. Sometimes the dishes are done in his boxers, sometimes with the shades completely shut or slightly open. I can see him there showing off how he does his dishes, and that's fine. Some people have that kind of time. Jessie, the cocky bodybuilder on Big Brother, has been nominated for eviction this week and I have just learned that there are rumors fllittering around the internet that despite his hetero jock like demeanor he might be gay. So we're researching that. How this applies to my life, how it enriches my human experience I don't know. I haven't begun that research. I am compelled to go from link to link, being told that there are shocking nude pictures just around the corner of the internet. I certainly can't be bothered with dish scrubbing right now.

TV is sometimes used as a babysitter, and that's sad. For me it was more of a best friend. Best Friends. Forever.

My mother's father was a television critic. So excessive television wasn't something that was looked down upon too harshly in my childhood home. Not that I wasn't encouraged to do other things. But when I did go outside, it was time to reenact the television. Like a fifties child reenacting a cowboy show, when I went outside to play I wanted to make a gameshow. On our sundeck, I was Bob Barker on The Price Is Right pulling products out of my mother's pantry for my very unenthusiastic stuffed animal contestants to guess the price. A new car couldn't bring the stuffed bunny and Garfield out of their wide eyed catatonia. This wasn't of great concern. The focus here was on the host.

Continued

last time I ever leave my apartment

2008-07-20T17:50:00.004-05:00

I have been sort of a hermit all weekend, cuddling my air conditioner. The idea struck me to do laundry so my apartment smells less like feet. I gathered my laundry and looked for quarters. Not enough to wash one load.

I decide to drive to the grocery store to get quarters. Very expensive, but what are you going to do? The lady at Jewel's fabulous TCF bank says she's out of quarters and suggests I go to the service desk. The gentleman at the service desk tells me he isn't "selling" quarters until tomorrow.

I stop at a gas station and the attendant offers me only a dollar in quarters. I stop at a Currency Exchange, they closed two minutes prior.

I go to Walgreens. I see a cashier who had refused me quarters in the past. So I decide to approach the manager.

"Is there anyway I can get a roll of quarters?" I ask, sweaty, desperate.
"No we don't have enough."
A very dramatic about-face and out of the store.

I walk to Staples across the parking lot. I try to flirtatiously (I don't know why, I'm losing my mind) ask an unattractive cashier with a very thin mustache if I can get some quarters.

"You have to buy a candy bar," he says with an nineteen year old authority.

I look for a cheap candy bar. I am fuming but still try to concentrate on what would be the best candy bar. It's hot so I really don't want chocolate. But I really don't want a candy bar at all. Whatever. I quickly debate back and forth between the King Size Snickers and the regular size. Then I get angry with myself for taking time out to have this debate in my head and grab the regular size Snickers.

He rations out four dollars in quarters and I storm out. I decide to drive to a laundromat. I have to park a block away.

I walk in and go to a simulated-wood covered change machine. I try to figure out how to work it and realize that its apparently just a decorative piece. A lady with an eastern European accent asks if she can help me. "Yeah, I need quarters."

She dismisses me, "Customers only."

I walk out into the heat and consider my options. Doing laundry is the right thing for me to do. I am not trying to get drugs or cigarettes. I just want to avoid fungus growing on my Old Navy T-shirts and white athletic socks. I have been in similar situations when I'm desperate for cigarettes. Walking all over, trying to find the lowest price or who will accept my large bag of pennies for a pack of Camel Lights. This is just me trying to wash my clothes. It shouldn't be a big deal. But everything is a big deal when it's this hot.

I storm back into the Laundromat.

"How much is a load of laundry?" I yell
"What?" the queen of the laundry mat answers, looking at me like I'm crazy. Which is the very right assumption.

"How much is a load of laundry! I will pay. For a load of laundry. If I can get some goddam change." I say in my best exasperated Julianne Moore-Annette Bening-Meryl Streep-I'm not taking this shit voice.

"This is..I own this place and I can't have..If you're not going to be a customer..."
She rambles on and approaches me and my open wallet. I take out three dollars and she grabs it and pulls out three dollars in quarters from her overloaded quarter pocket.

I walk out as she continues to ramble.

"Just..next time remember...you have to be a customer...I can't be...I'm not a..You can't"

Proust Questionnaire

2008-07-19T18:12:00.007-05:00

In the self indulgent tradition of The Jeremy Show, I have decided to take the Proust questionnaire. Proust discovered these questions in his friend Antoinette's book entitled "An Album to Record Thoughts, Feelings, etc." Apparently, these types of question games were very hip in the Victorian period.

1. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
No Freedom. Imprisonment mentally and/or physically.
2. Where would you like to live?
New York City
3. What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Coffee in the morning.
4. To which faults do you feel most indulgent?
Egotism.
5. Who is/are your favorite hero/heroes of fiction?
Women.
6. Who are your favorite characters in history?
See question 7.
7. Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
Flawed women like Leona Helmsley or Tammy Faye Baker. Women who act just like men and piss everyone off. Eleanor Roosevelt, Martha Stewart, Hillary Clinton.
8. Who is/are your favorite heroine/heroines of fiction?
Don't read a lot of fiction unfortunately. Holden Caufield was my first fiction hero.
9. Your favorite painters?

Tamara de Lempicka

Mark Rothko

Geoffrey Todd Smith

10. Your favorite composers or musicians?
I enjoy performers. I know nothing about the craft of music. Madonna, Pet Shop Boys, Bette Midler, Sandra Bernhard. I like music with vocoders.
11. Which qualities do you most value in a man?
Self Deprecation, Sense of humor, Sensitivity
12. Which qualities do you most value in a woman?
Confidence, Intelligence, Sense of humor
13. Your favorite virtue?
Honesty
14. Your favorite occupation?
Laughing.
15. Who would you have liked to be?
A fifties housewife, just for a couple days
16. Your most marked characteristic?
Neurotic.
17. What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty, Humor, Understanding
18. What is your principle defect?
Low self esteem.
19. What is your favorite color?
Dark blue, gray, white. I like colors.
20. What is your favorite flower?
Magnolia.
21. What is your favorite bird?
Peacock. So obnoxious and arrogant.
14. Who are your favorite prose writers?
David Sedaris. Sandra Bernhard.
15. Who are your favorite poets?
Eminem, Prince
16. What are your favorite names?
Isaac. Jake.
17. What is it you most dislike?
Insensitivity. Confusion. The sound of someone flipping through a newspaper.
18. What historical figures do you most despise?
Hitler, George W. Bush. Almost angered more by their "yes" people.
19. What event in military history do you most admire?
JFK, bay of pigs
20. What reform do you most admire?
Most recently, gay marriage.
21. What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Musical ability.
22. How would you like to die?
Without my knowledge.
23. What is your present state of mind?
Unsettled.
24. What is your motto?
"Maybe try again tomorrow." Alicia Nash, A Beautiful Mind

candy and ribbons

2008-07-05T09:59:00.003-05:00

I want a thing to play my iPod on. The one I had, an alarm clock variety, stopped working.
I want the two Bette Davis video collections I don't have. I have the first one.
I want a McGriddle.
I want to go to New York to visit Kara and see Mary Poppins, Xanadu, August: Osage County.
I want to see Grey Gardens, the estate in the Hamptons.
I want a new sound system for my computer.
I want to see Tina Turner, Bette Midler, Cher, Kathy Griffin and Sandra Bernhard in concert.
I want the Deluxe Hard Candy CD that comes with real candy inside.
I want a couple new bookshelves.
I want to buy my boyfriend Disney things.
I want a haircut.
I want an intervention.
I want lots of new clothes.

pissed

2008-06-28T20:16:00.005-05:00

So, I'm pissed because according to photobucket.com someone entered my account and deleted all of my pictures that I have had since 2006. So I hope that person dies painfully and slowly. So now, I have to go back and fix all my pictures (I have some on my computer, some not). This is why I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been mad at the person who stole my pictures and I don't even want to look at stupid thejeremyshow.com. This person is an evildoer and they will have a terrible life. Ok, letting it go. I wish them love and light and happiness.

FutureSexLoveShow

2008-05-21T20:01:00.004-05:00

Feeling emotionally fragile like a china doll. A broken dusty figurine of a man on the shelf. Boring myself with my analogies. Trying to describe a very New England pain. I'm in a yellow wallpapered bell jar. A story told a thousand times, mostly by privileged white women. Where is the book about me? I'm certainly in no condition to write it.

Watching Justin Timberlake on DVD. The FutureSexLoveShow, I believe it's called. What talent and optimism and soul. Gives me goosebumps. In slacks and white shirt and vest. Grabbing his twentysomething package, the crowd screams. There is such hope in that crotch. Such potential.

Eating Ritz crackers with feta cheese and ham for dinner now. Disgusting. Stomach issues now. Feeling hopeless.

These men on the train home from work. Different versions of Justin at different ages. In their ironed slacks. I can't help but fixate. Every day a new one. They are undoubtedly disturbed by the pained look I must give them. Wrinkling my brow, trying to understand how they got wherever they are. I want to be them. Do they ever want to be me? Certainly they are not interested in the hairstyle. This is an ongoing problem. Who do they want to be? They want money probably and sex. They want to feel safe or make others feel safe. They are hungry.

After the work day is done, I just want to sleep. I refuse the offers coming from no one- going out for a drink after work. "No, Thank You." Just sleep. And when I say sleep I mean go home and hide. And by that I mean watch a Justin Timberlake concert DVD ordered from Netflix.

where troubles melt like lemon drops

2008-05-11T11:30:00.001-05:00

It's much better to look at pictures if you're snooping around. A picture in a drawer or a survey of photos in frames while your host is out of the room. Quietly judging.

Today on the train a woman turned to her friend and said, "Wanna see pictures of me and Brian from this weekend?" I tried to figure out if I would have wanted to see the pictures. Not really. Its only fun if you're in the picture. Who wants to see pictures of other people having a good time? Only if you have time to really take a look at it and study the people and the story and what you think is all wrong about it, jealous you weren't there. Otherwise you're just saying, "Aww..." or "Oh my god, that is so cute."

But sometimes you do need that reference. You have to see Brian to get a good gauge of what you're dealing with. You need a face to put in the stories your friend is yammering on about. Is Brian cute or ugly, that sort of thing.

The conductor came on the PA and announced that we were being delayed for some reason. The voice sounded middle eastern. I thought back to that time right after 9/11 when it was hard not to be afraid of everything middle eastern. That weird panicked time when everything was turned upside down. Would they attack Chicago? Would they attack Crystal Lake or Downers Grove? Jumping at every little sound. Then I considered the idea of an El train hijacking and how fruitless that would be for the terrorist.

America is still suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That's why there is so much reality TV. We are trying to sooth ourselves with Tila Tequila and Extreme Home Makeovers. Although I am a strong advocate for television whenever possible, I don't enjoy these types of shows myself. I wish I did.

Television whenever possible! Of course, yes, always. Movies and books and television and advertisements and music. Take it all in. Just watched a wonderful documentary on Toulouse-Lautrec. His wonderful advertisements are hanging in art galleries now. Don't be silly and ignore what is right in front of you. Beautiful pink El trains decorated with pictures of Madonna and Marilyn Monroe for Sunsilk.

People on the other hand-- people are harder to deal with. I prefer to deal with people after they are broken down into 1's and 0's and then lit up with electricity.

i dont like your hair

2008-04-19T14:28:00.005-05:00

Today I wanted to do nothing. I wanted to just sit on the couch and watch television and be covered with blankets and have no stress on my body or mind. But the computer keeps calling me. Write something, make something. Make a hat where there never was a hat.

Its difficult to write when you don't have perspective, a point of view. I'm in coping mode. Cigarettes and coffee and antidepressants. Watching a lot of movies and television- consuming art and making none. Art should be a recycling. When you see a movie you should create something inspired by that movie and put it out there.

I just keep thinking negatively about everything. Judging everything. So, best to keep my mouth shut. Because its not how I really ultimately feel about your hairdo. I think its fine. I just hate mine so much that I'm gonna lash out at yours. But if I keep it all bottled up inside I'll just act out. Acting out for me is sleeping. A mostly benign act.

My mom did not like my plan of "not doing anything day." She said I should do something so if someone asked what I did today I would have something to tell them.

Thinking about
pyschology school
key lime pie
madonna
bread machine
sleeping
audiobooks
wound on my hand that is healing
cigarettes
lube
boundaries

Ladies I'm Lovin: Sheila Kennedy

2008-04-02T16:56:00.004-05:00

She's from Dallas but moved to New York in 1980 to live with Bob Guccione. Former Penthouse Pet. Ex-Girlfriend of Scott Baio. And my favorite Big Brother contestant to date.

She is that voice in our heads who is just exasperated and convinced that something is up. She's got her wine. She is 45 and she'll let everyone know that she is 45. She's a lot older than everyone else, she's seen a lot of things in her life so... just know that. Know that.

I would have died! Died! DIED! Thank yew. Thank yew!

Sheila asking for her Tylenol PM.

***Thanks for all the response to the "Ladies I'm Lovin" series.

Ladies I'm Lovin: Julie Chen

2008-03-26T20:42:00.006-05:00

Julie Chen

This 36 year old sassafrass hosts my favorite show Big Brother and has been dubbed "Chenbot" for her stiff delivery. Besides hosting BB, she is also a cohost of the CBS early show and the wife of CBS president Les Moonves, Okkaaay! Girl knows how to marry!! According to Wikipedia, she failed entrance exams for the Bronx High School of Science and said to hell with it and marched her way through college ending up with a journalism and English degree. She doesn't mind being called Chenbot, "adding that it may derive from her 'precise on-air style' which comes from "a desire to be objective." I don't care I just love her hair and her outfits and SHOES and blue notecards. The way she hosts a silly old show like Big Brother like shes reporting on genocide gives me chills.

just watch until about 3:00...or not..i dont care

and this is great...

what it feels like for a girl

2008-03-22T22:10:00.005-05:00

When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak?

When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less?

lemon meltaways

2008-03-16T20:10:00.006-05:00

I begrudgingly made some lemon meltaways to try and cheer myself up. Real down, kids. I'm not a fan of powdered sugared covered things but I had all the ingredients in my apartment so, you know, why not? They are real tart. Sort of like a lemon sour patch kid. The recipe was from Martha Stewart but she suggested lime. I don't have any lime so I used lemon. I still have another "log" of dough in the freezer that I can bring out to slice and bake when I have "guests."

I am real hot. On fire. Andropause.

congratulations madonna

2008-03-11T19:59:00.007-05:00

humor me and watch. that's all i want. that's all i ever wanted.

and her speech, if your so inclined...

no capitals? no problem.

2008-03-03T20:32:00.004-06:00

the president should be chosen on a reality show competition. i think it would make a lot more sense than electoral colleges and superdelegates. i think hillary and obama and mcain should have to do challenges each week. like one week it would be who gets closest to ending a war. the budget for the show would be taken out of our taxes or something (its in the planning stages right now, i'll iron out the kinks as we get closer to production). anyway, so each candidate would be given a certain amount of money-- a billion dollars or something. whoever gets closest to ending the war moves ahead and the person who screws up gets sent home. i would be the host of the show and would eventually choose who is president of the united states and it would be hillary clinton. unless i decide i dont like her. there are a lot of times when im watching a reality show that i think i like someone but they say something dumb or start acting up, get too cocky and i'll decide i don't like them. things change when you're being videotaped 24/7. then i might decide that i like obama better. then he could be president. but the main thing are the challenges. i need to see them in action to decide who is better. i think this is what our forefathers would want as far as im concerned. and i am concerned.

from my vantage point, on my couch, smoking my cigarettes and eating macaroni and cheese -there is a lot going on thats not good. i think its time for a change. but i dont see any other way to handle it other than a reality competition.

i watched big brother last night and i think its a great show. a real class act that you are missing out on. get involved. i watched oprahs big give. blah. i love oprah but im sick of her dragging around that nate berkus that everyones so crazy about. i saw his line at linens n things or bed bath and beyond or whatever and i wasnt impressed. lots of oversized decorative wooden bowls that are supposed to hold decorative wicker balls. so stupid. it was all on clearance. real depressing.

whats with the lincoln park ladies and bringing there lunches to work in bags from high end retailers. gives me a headache. i probably mentioned it before but its real trashy. its like wearing big sweatshirts with rubber logos on them. get with it. a classic brown paper bag would suffice.

it was a real freak show on the train today. very jacobs ladder. distorted faces and people that looked not well. it was probably me. its probably a side effect of one medication or the other but i had to close my eyes and listen to some janet jackson to take the edge off.

lost my debit card in the atm machine. they dont need to make the kind that take your card in anymore. its asking for trouble. i have enough money problems as it is-- then you take my card away. get out of here.

im in one of my "clear it all out" moods. everything in the garbage. sanitize and start again. i want a clean blank canvas. too much crap.

the best tip from martha stewart? just a spray bottle with dish detergent and water. never have to buy any kind of ripoff cleaning agent again. soap. usually works for most things, people. and water. soap and water. for cleaning. exactly.

The Jeremy Show Deleted Scenes

2008-02-11T07:21:00.001-06:00

Some blog posts that got lost on the cutting room floor...

Remembering Doctors
11/25/07

My pediatrician had red Lucille Ball hair and very cold fingers. The nurse looked like Shelley Duvall. Once she came into say that the doctor was "tied up" and I thought that she was really tied up and that frightened me because everyone was acting like it was normal.

I had several ingrown toenail surgeries at that office. The nurse told me that cutting your toenails "is an art."

Psychiatric Ghetto
8/22/07
I was waiting at a bus stop at Sheridan and Wilson, on my way to a doctors appointment. A man sitting on the bench was shouting, "Completely unhappy, completely unhappy, completely unhappy..."

How well said. How simply put. This area of Chicago has been dubbed by some to be the "Psychiatric Ghetto." I don't know the specifics of why, when or how this area came to be the home of so many clearly deinstutionalized mentally ill people but on this day and many others I felt like I fit right in. It felt like being at an outdoor psych ward.

frogs
8/22/07

Seems like lately before I sit down to write I have big plans, but as soon as I sit down I am overcome with a sense of self disgust and cant bring myself to write. I mean look at that last sentence, forchristsakes! Will muddle through this somehow, I guess.

It's been tough times for mama as per usual. I had a dream I was pooping frogs. For reals. It was terrifying. Baby frogs were coming out of my butt. I shouldn't be sharing this. That is a dream of the hopelessly insane. But its the truth. I don't mean to delve into this too deeply but:

Bowel movement

To dream that you have a bowel movement, signifies that you are successfully getting rid of your old habits/ways and thinking patterns. It is usually analogous to the release of strong emotions, such as anger and anger. insidedreams.com

untitled
8/14/07

dreamed i was working at some haunted mansion ride/ school. prince was there and he looked very attractive. i got along with everyone really well and knew a lot of the people that worked there. thats it.

wrapped around your finger
7/5/07

I dreamt that Sting and The Police were giving a concert in China. They were singing a very moving anti-communist version of "I'll Be Wrapped Around Your Finger." It was beautiful.

I had this dream because I watched a very sad documentary called Seoul Train about North Korean immigrants trying to get to South Korea by way of China. Also because I saw an old clip of Sting performing that song on Live Aid AND because I was watching "The World Series of Pop Culture," where one of the questions was about the song. My brain had a field day with that one.

I also dreamt that I was at Cory and Ann's wedding. Carol Burnett and Oprah were there.

untitled
7/5/07
i remember listening to my whoopi goldberg record. she did four or five characters that were funny and really rocked my twelve year old world. i just saw a whoppi goldberg special on bravo, it brought me back to that time. when you would sit and watch or listen to a program and take it all in. no promos, no links to websites, no invitations to interact or vote.

i just hope that kids these days are being inspired and delighted like i was by my whoopi goldberg and joan rivers and bette midler records. it was an adult world that i was exposed to- smart and mysterious. things i didnt understand.

i dont know what im saying. i just think everything is so fast paced and ter

you came up with the breeze...

2008-01-27T11:48:00.001-06:00

french toast souflee from roseanne barr! this is precooked. after it was cooked there was no time to take a picture. delicious but a little runny in the middle.

marthas citrus bars, again a little undercooked. pissed me off.

couldnt you just die with that lip color and that blond hair!

Sex and the City Cupcakes

2008-01-21T08:22:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I made cupcakes from The Magnolia Bakey, as featured in Lazy Sunday and the Sex and the City episode, "No Ifs, Ands, or Butts."

As I said in my last post, I am not a huge fan of cupcakes but these were pretty good.

Unbaked. I was nervous about how much to put in-- not familiar with how much the batter was going to rise.

They were fine but looked sort of boring. They tasted ok. Very light touch of vanilla and not too heavy, not too sweet. Definitely not created by Miss Paula Dean.

I went ahead and decorated with Magnolia's Vanilla Buttercream Frosting (basically powdered sugar, butter and milk). That was really fun. Erik suggested some Martha Stewart sanding sugar. Delicious. They reminded me of a Wayne Thiebaud painting.

Again, I ate too many and looking at them makes me want to throw up. Really not interested in going to work. I have to work 11-7. I would rather work my regular 9 to 5.

Chunky Apple Muffins

2008-01-20T07:53:00.001-06:00

Last night, I made Martha's Chunky Apple Muffins and thought I'd let you know.

I used three different kinds of apples: Fuji, Macintosh and Gala. The recipe called for Granny Smith but I wanted to mix it up a little. Plus, I'm liking the way the red apples look these days for some reason.

I had to use these foil muffin tins because I don't have my own muffin tins. This made me a little nervous.

But they turned out great I think. A nice red apple slice for garnish.

I've eaten five of them. That's gross. But they are pretty good.

Tonight I will attempt to make Magnolia Bakery's Vanilla Buttercream cupcakes as seen on Sex and The City. Thanks to Kara for the tip. I want to see what all the fuss is about. I am not a big cupcake fan, but we'll see.

I am watching "The Star" with Bette Davis. This is how I feel at my new job.

"Take a good look ladies, so theres no doubt. Jeremy Wells waiting on a couple of old bags like you..It is Jeremy Wells. I'm going back where I belong, I am Jeremy Wells! And I intend to stay Jeremy Wells!"

chicago spire

2008-01-09T20:07:00.001-06:00

I keep seeing advertisements for this new building for Chicago. I didn't think it was real. It is retarded cool. I will live there.

Visit here and wait a second for the video to start.

Feedback

2008-01-09T18:25:00.001-06:00

Re: Janet's new single

The lyrics are meaningless like I like it. The song is perfect for standing in front of the mirror with a serious/sexy face pretending to lead your backup dancers right back into the Rhythm Nation.

Thank you god for bringing her back in good condition. She is rocking that wig, she's not anorexic, she's got some meat on the bones. She's got her backup dancers in classic Rhythm Nation position. She's ready to go.

The video's got Janet jumping from tiny planets until she finally lands on the milk planet where she breaks it all down for us. A+ from me.

Madonna had better just watch herself. She'd better stop phoning in the videos and telling us to love one another. We don't have time for that bullshit. We want robot voices, vocoders, overproduced and nonsensical stupid dance songs... Thank you.

I hate to go on but I am also loving the cover for the single. Janet got the memo.

some toys i had as a kid

2008-01-06T21:04:00.001-06:00

got this from santa. don't think i understood or cared about the tricks i just liked the drama of it all.

i loved this set. the cozy log for the woodsies to live in that velcroed shut. i think i will pretend i am a woodsie tonight. sleeping in my polyester log. i remember chewing on the little chairs and tables. very soft rubbery plastic. good for chewing.
(it is being sold for $124.99 on ebay)

this was probably my favorite toy. i found fifty dollars outside on the street in front of my friends house. my friends parents took me to toys r us and i bought this. i also bought what is below on that trip.

okay maybe this was my favorite toy of all time. a stage with different backdrops and a CURTAIN and costumes (astronaut helmets, cmon). love it. want it now.

i think i got this when i was olderish. i lost the jacket and got permanent marker on his face.

Great site about Billy Baloney!

Luscious Lime Cheesecake!

2008-01-03T19:27:00.002-06:00

I went ahead and made the Luscious Lime Cheesecake from Paula Deen's first cookbook- The Lady and Sons Savannah Country Cookbook. I received these wonderful Martha Stewart Melamine bowls from my beautiful boyfriend for Christmas so I put them to use.

So pretty they make me want to cry.

Had to do dishes first. So gross.

The cream cheese got completely clumped into the mixer (also a gift, from parents.) Should have let it come to room temperature first.

Making the lime zest and juice.

Mixing it all up-- it had lime juice, zest, sweetened condensed milk three eggs. I think that's it.

Ready for the oven.

While it baked, I sugared the lime garnish with Martha Stewart Sanding Sugar (also a gift from the cutest boy in the world).

...and done.

I had a big ol' piece with some Cool Whip (as Paula Deen recommended) and seriously thought I was going into a sugar coma. It was really really good though. A small piece would have been fine. She asked that you just spread the whole tub of Cool Whip on. I didn't think it was a good idea. I added double the lime juice-- I would have added even more. I need more lime and less vanilly.

Some of My Favorite Sitcom Moments

2007-12-30T12:48:00.000-06:00

I Love Lucy
Lucy practices singing.

Roseanne
Roseanne and Dan find some old pot in the basement. I don't smoke pot because I become like Jackie in the bathtub.

Will and Grace
My favorite Karen moment. "Doctor since I have you here..."

Friends
Chandler hides all of Joey's underwear and Joey gets back at him.

Absolutely Fabulous
Bubble tries to figure out how New Year's works.

Ritz Mints!

2007-12-22T20:25:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I made some delicious Ritz Mints (courtesy of Martha Stewart) as a gift for a treasured friend. They are so easy-- recipe is here. I have always been excited by using things like corn flakes or Potato chips or whatever to make other things. Really turns me on, don't know why.

Just some Ritz

And some Chocolate with Mint

Cooling

Boxed Up

Ready to deliver to a festive holiday gathering where you can't drink because you're on antidepressants that aren't working.

The Jeremy Show Interviews: Dustin from Big Brother 8

2007-12-14T16:49:00.001-06:00

As you know, I spent the last two summers glued to the internet and television watching Big Brother. One of my favorite houseguests, Dustin (a fellow Chicagoan) agreed to chat with me about Big Brother, Prince Harry and whats in his medicine cabinet.

Tell me three things you learned about being on Big Brother 8 and three things that you think the fans should know about the show.
1- EVERYONE is judgemental. Everyone.
2- Skinny people are miserable, ie Daniele
3- Conservative Christians still think homosexuality is a choice! Because apparently, they were asked.

Seeing as I never applied for Big Brother, and I really wasn't a fan of the show either, the whole process was a learning experience about the show. But I think its really important for fans to know that there is a producer who talks to you in the diary room. We don't just sit down and start venting, we're prompted for certain topics, opinions, thoughts, etc... They encourage strategic moves and/or decisions.

I'm sure you're sick of answering this question but watching "Evil Dick" basically gay bash you on the Internet was terrifying. I was totally brought back to junior high, which is his mentality. However, you voted for him to win over his daughter. Why?

I played the game strategically, not personally. When voting for the winner, I put personal issues aside; for both of them. She's SUCH a negative Nancy and he's an over-grown rebellious teen seeking attention. But game-wise, he played the game for two. Every move he made he did for her as well. No one else can say that. He played a strong game because if it were not for him, she would have been gone sooner than later. His comments and gay bashing didn't hurt me as much as it hurt others. What he did to the women in the house was in my eyes, much worse.

more on Dick Donato's irresponsible behavior via Logo online

Why didn't you stay in LA?

I still have 3 classes left to take for my major here and LA is dirty, tacky, and expensive. Some of my best friends live there, but Its not right for me right now. I'm much more a "New York City Boy"

What is the craziest fan experience you've had and what's the most annoying thing people ask you?

Craziest Fan experience. I had a crier once. I was at the airport on my way from Minneapolis to Chicago and there was a woman who gasped, threw her hands over her head and cried. She didn't only take a photo with me, but of me as well. tying my shoe, digging in my bag, walking away. She straight up paparazzied my ass. A stranger also told me his best friend had died that day. That was bizarre too.

You are studying fashion. What is your first fashion memory? What movies, celebrities, etc, influence your fashion sense? What are you trying to say with your sense of style?

My first fashion memory is my black overalls with choo-choo trains on them. I was 3; They were so fly and I was a pimp in them. I never wanted to take them off and I will never forget them.
My sense of style is non-existent. I don't do patterns, I rarely wear colors, and I like simplicity. Classics with class I guess. Its important for me to have staple pieces on at all times. Great footwear is essential. For the summer in BB though, I packed all lounge wear which included the grey t-shirt.

Take me through a typical day with Dustin…
Coffee, breakfast, and stretching in the morning, work all day, Gym by 6, dinner at 8; usually at home. Then I watch a movie, talk on the phone and pass out. Like clockwork though, I wake up at 2:45 AM and have a snack and a bottle of water, which is where I am now.

Do you have a favorite Chicago bar/hangout and why?
I RARELY go out. Statement of truth. So when I do, its by someone else's accord and I just go with the flow where they go. In the summer I love Foster Beach. Its low-key and down the street from me.

If you were to go to a therapist what issue do you think you'd spend the most time working on?.....Tell me more about that….
HAHAHA Trust issues! As you know from the show, there is a lot of trust that was broken in my one and only relationship to date. My best friend slept with my ex, family members have lied and stolen from me. There's just a lot of deceit in my past so its hard for me to trust others.

Can you tell me what you have in your medicine cabinet. Please list all the contents, brand names, etc.
band-aids, neosporin, clean&clear astringent, Murray's pomade, MAC concealer, Tweezerman tweezers, Tweezerman toenail clipper, Renu contact solution, my glasses, an eyelash curler, back-up contacts, Target optical lens cleaner, sponges, various chapsticks with the labels peeled off, Arrid XX - Morning Clean, Dayquil, and Biore pore strips.

What are you asking Santa for this Christmas?
Hunter Wellington Boots, black, size 43
and the Six Feet Under complete season DVD collection. Bets are high that I'll receive neither! I'm single dammit!

The Dustin Celebrity Playlist-- Name ten songs that we should be listening to?
RJD2 - 1976
Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Heartbeats
basement jaxx - Smoke Bubbles
Seal - Waiting For You
The Blow - Hey Boy
Uffie - Pop the Glock
Of Montreal - A Sentence of Sorts in Kortsvinger
Hard-Fi - Move on Now
Annie Lennox - Little Bird
Original Broadway Cast of Fosse - Crunchy Granola Suite

I see that you like the Pet Shop Boys. Please tell my boyfriend why he should listen to them, he hates them.
If you're feeling blue, and in the mood for some campy 80's electro-beats with an incredibly smooth lead singer, its all there! Lets face it, West End Girls is played EVERYWHERE, from Office Max to Tattoo Parlors. Everyone ought to love a little Pet Shop.

I also see that you enjoy Madonna, what are your top three songs?
Borderline, Frozen, and Holiday

So you and Prince Harry are on a date, after you've both snorted some vodka, what's your perfect evening?
After having our photograph taken by the paparazzi, for future reference that this evening did, in fact, occur; We go back to the palace. He dresses up like the prince that he is and we equestrian ride for a few hours. I of course, get to wear riding boots. Then we snort more vodka, followed by smoking crumpets and eating tea. We sit in the royal throne for a minute while gazing at each other and do it right there on the palace floor. A sex tape is later "leaked" to the British media.

I want to thank Dustin so much for his time. Because of the writer's strike CBS is putting Big Brother back on the air this February. I am going to try like hell not to watch it. That's bullshit.

made a cake tonight 2

2007-12-11T21:46:00.002-06:00

Tonight I got off my white ass and walked through the icy drizzle to my local Walgreens. I wanted to make Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. Really getting into cooking and crafting lately. Can't get enough of it.

I'm a loyal customer to my Walgreens as there is no other place to buy foodstuffs and sundries in my neighborhood. There is a colorful cast of characters in this place that must like their jobs, because I don't see a lot of turnover. There is a very nice FTM trans gentleman, he is not the manager but he "can help you with whatever you need." I know because I asked for a manager to find out if it was really true that I could not buy cigarettes with my prescriptions and he told me gently but firmly that it was against their policy. Well there policy must have changed because I've been doing it since I lived here. They must have put a memo up about me. There are three very cranky ladies who I don't get along with. One is the "Beauty Advisor." Now I don't want to get mean, but she must follow the "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy. Maybe she's so burned out giving Walgreens beauty advice that she doesn't have anytime left for herself. All in all they are a very capable crew and I have had no problems. My favorite pharmacy tech is this beautiful woman who I think I really connect with. She is very motherly and smart. We kind of exchange these glances like we both "get it," you know?

Anyway so here are some pics of Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. A very small cake that I used a too-big bundt pan for because I realized I didn't have another pan. I used Hershey's REAL DARK for the chocolate-- Um... F'ing Delicious!! I grated what I had left over the top.

Smoked a cigarette while mixin', ain't gonna hurt it none.

Could not get the damn thing out. Had to force it. I know all the tricks but it wasn't budging.

So it broke apart a little.

Mmmmm. Frosting made it better.

Throw a sequined poinsettia on it and call it a day.

its all in how you word it

2007-12-06T11:58:00.002-06:00

My therapist told me that I live life in fantasies. Good fantasies, bad fantasies. That began as a child, escaping anything real and uncomfortable in my life. Pretending I was a gameshow host or fashioning a mermaid costume out of a sheet and cardboard to escape the horror of bombardment in gym or parents use of yelling as a form of communication.

My current fantasy, is of being a writer. Living in my Hollywood bungalow. Brilliant, funny scripts all over my dark wood desk. Working at home during the day, letting the dog outside. Pouring another cup of coffee, lighting another cigarette. Struggling with writers block. Investigating a lady from next door doing something loud outside. Struggling with mild depression. Standing alone during parties, looking put together but lonely. Taking a cigarette break outside on the balcony overlooking the lights of Los Angeles. Meeting a beautiful, hilarious, rapid cycling manic depressive girl on the balcony who somehow manages to seduce me even though I am gay. Letting her down easy and becoming best friends.

My current life could be someone else's fantasy I guess. Living in one of the greatest cities in the world. Struggling with a non specific depression. A frustrated but loyal boyfriend. Dependent on loving parents. Smart, anxious, sometimes funny, badly dressed. A hypochondriacal manchild who is more often than not, correct about his self diagnoses. Hopelessly lost in paper, student loans, cable bills, presumptuous offers from credit card companies.

Bad fantasies I have gotten caught up in run the gamut from being convinced of immediate death to being jailed for my own or someone elses fantasies. My parents leaving me, anyone leaving me. Quick and swift abandonment. Being jailed for writing a bad check at Walgreens. Leaving the oven on.

I have somehow managed to get back on a semi-spiritual track. I found my godspot through the following song (can you post a blog without a video anymore). I was laying in bed with my headphones on. My long limbed beautiful boyfriend next to me snoring his way through a dream sponsored by the Walt Disney Company. I began to travel through time with the help of Madonna and realized, again, that I am not the center of the universe and no matter what, things will be ok.

Forget your life
Forget your problems
Administration, Bills and Loans
Come with me

made a cake

2007-12-01T23:41:00.000-06:00

I made a cake tonight and threw it in the garbage. I ruined it with a caramel frosting I made that turned into rock candy because I don't have a candy thermometer. It's on my christmas list now. I can't stand not knowing what temperature things are.

I also put up my Christmas tree, it looks the same as it did last year.
Need new ornaments and need new tree. It's sort of a red/gold mess that I really got a charge out of three years ago.

I asked my parents if they wanted to have Chinese food on Christmas. That should be fun. Very A Christmas Story.

she's that girl

2007-11-30T13:09:00.002-06:00

I love these Madonna Barbie Dolls someone is making. It's work that needs to be done. The miniature monkey purse makes me want to cut myself! So adorable.

my songs are my children

2007-11-26T02:40:00.001-06:00

Remembering doctors

2007-11-25T12:14:00.001-06:00

My pediatrician had red Lucille Ball hair and very cold fingers. The nurse looked like Shelley Duvall. Once she came into say that the doctor was "tied up" and I thought that she was really tied up and that frightened me because everyone was acting like it was normal.

I had several ingrown toenail surgeries at that office. The nurse told me that cutting your toenails "is an art."

the only thing i like about film is women

2007-11-21T03:28:00.002-06:00

breathtaking montage. i wish i thought of it.

irreplaceable

2007-11-02T15:46:00.001-05:00

I have had this song in my head, non-stop for days. Beyonce and her infectious songs. "To the left! To the left! Everything you own in a box to the left! I can have another you in a minute. Matter fact he'll be here in a minute."

I am on a completely reversed sleep schedule. Goddam. Was supposed to go to the doctor today but they rescheduled. I am crazier than a mouse driving stick shift. Ah, what do you do?

get out of the car! get! out!

2007-10-28T15:39:00.002-05:00

I finished watching the entire first series of "Damages" on FX. A waste of time. I don't normally watch lawyery type shows because I have trouble following them. I was attracted to this one because its in New York City and it has Glenn Close in it and I liked the theme song/opening credits. That's about all I liked about it though-- lots of flashbacks and a confusing narrative thats more trouble than its worth.

I do want to be Glenn Close marching around in pantsuits, being very abrupt. Bluish gray lighting. Making billion dollar settlements with a smirk.

I'll probably watch next season.

My bipolar is acting up. They need to make some sort of cream or spray. Just spray the room down when the bipolar starts stinking up the room. I feel like bipolar is the new "neurotic." Just some blanket term to cover an enormous variety of symptoms that may or may not be connected. I mean I don't think these psychiatrists have any idea what the hell they are doing and all of us crazies are just paying for vacations to wherever psychiatrists vacation. I say get out of the car! Get! Out! I've been around the block several times. Several times. I know how this works and its a losing game.

Lady Bunny

2007-10-11T18:07:00.001-05:00

I just want to give a shout out to Lady Bunny for somehow finding the most hilarious videos on the net. Bookmark her site!!!

Here's some beautiful Bulgarians singing "Oh Susanna!" Makes me want to cry.

Such a delight!

2007-10-10T15:00:00.001-05:00

If the trumpeting isn't enough, you have to wait for the dance sequences. Stacy Hedger reminds me it's good to be alive.

we're going with another candidate

2007-10-06T15:33:00.001-05:00

My interview at Borders did not go well. I have never been good at job interviews. My therapist and I once worked on differentiating between a job interview and therapy. I tend to act the same in both situations.

I really wanted to work at Borders again. I had a fantasy of just zoning out and making perfect OCD stacks of books. I love helping customers find just the right book or cd, never giving up until the mission was accomplished. I remembered how good I was and how much I enjoyed it, I was so excited.

I got to the interview ten minutes early as recommended by my work program teacher in high school (one of the other recommendations was not to smoke, even if the interviewer asked you if you wanted a cigarette, can you imagine). A bald "operations manager" directed me to sit in the cafe and wait for someone to come down and get me. I waited for a half hour. Finally a lady came down and started yelling "Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy..." in the bookstore, not the cafe. I had to go out and follow her call to find her.

We waited for an elevator together. She didn't say anything until she cracked her neck real loud, "I've been waiting all day to do that." Charmed! We walked into the backroom past the employee breakroom full of employees flopped all over a table staring at me with blank expressions to my still hopeful shy smile.

Into a room where we were met by a squat woman with homemade tattoos on both arms. Ah, Borders! Good to be back. So edgy with your helpful workers with soul patches and body jewelry. The asexual pierced boys and goth girls who fit happily into such a strange corporate groove. I'm not bitter.

I sat between the two women as they began their questioning. Maybe I've been watching too much "Damages" but I felt like I was giving a deposition. They went through a list of questions that all started with, "Tell me about a specific time when..." My mind started racing, I knew I couldn't come up with specific times when I was helping a difficult customer or had a disagreement with a manager or whatever. My memory is so fuzzy, I don't catalog things like that in my head. I gave general answers, good general answers-- I actually surprised myself. But ohhh how they wanted specifics, "Can you tell me about a specific time when that happened?" I considered making things up but I'm not good at that. Well, I'm good when it doesn't have to make sense. "Once there was a turtle that came in and he was looking for a book on sewing and he was real mad because he had a broken leg so I suggested we go swimming together but first we decided to go to Arby's..." I can do that.

Anyway, they were not happy with me and I just got frustrated to the point that I was like-- "Ahhh NO! We already established that I can't remember specific times!! Let's move on ladies!!!"

It's been a rough few months. A rough half of a year since I landed back in Illinois from dreamy California. I don't know if its my anti-anxiety meds but that seems so far away and hazy. Who was that person driving around in a black Kia on Hollywood Boulevard? Such a mystery to me. I've become so fixated on that person who could get up at 6:30 in the Los Angeles sunshine everyday and do things. Writing funny 30 Rock scripts like it was no big deal. So fascinating from this perspective- a considerably less sunny place.

I received a friendly voicemail yesterday informing me that they went with another candidate but my resume will be kept on file.

benny lava

2007-10-02T13:27:00.001-05:00

From LadyBunny's blog-- my source for a lot of crazy videos- an Indian video with someone's attempt at deciphering what the lyrics are. I actually really like this song.

i. love. martha. stewart.

2007-09-15T11:59:00.001-05:00

I am very excited about the new Martha Stewart line at Macy's. Holy Crap! I just went to macys.com and she just walked right out on my screen!!

I love when she talks about tag sales! Ohh, how I'd love to go to a tag sale in Maine. Maybe pick up some interesting pieces of sea glass. I also love when she talks about parchment paper. Parchment paper!

all my money is gone! GONE!!!

2007-09-13T08:09:00.002-05:00

poor girl

2007-08-25T23:14:00.002-05:00

I fear this is how I sound in job interviews.

You are well aware of your inner feelings

2007-08-23T14:20:00.002-05:00

I recently graduated from college at thirty one years old. I do consider this an achievement. I would like to go back immediately. I desire approval and constant positive reinforcement for writing papers on topics like Sandra Bernhard and Big Brother 7. I have been thrust into a new world that isn't interested in such things. It is confusing and fast paced and I don't appreciate it.

I had high hopes when I graduated. I really wanted to work for Big Brother. Seriously. I was ashamed to say this. I think, however, the show encompasses all that I am interested in -- documentary, psychology, pop culture with a large dose of trash. I sent my resume and I have not been contacted. Which is really unfortunate. She doesn't know what she lost.

I have subsequently sent my resume to other jobs I am interested in-- Oprah, Playboy, coffee shops, temp services. Lackluster results at best.

Yesterday after a morning of talk that would have made me cry if I wasn't so hopped up on antidepressants-- getting real with the boy I love, we went to the zoo. Very pleasant. An ice cream by a pond with ducks and foliage, talking of movies and things. A suggestion was made for me to apply at Blockbuster video which was met with great resistance on my part. Not feeling well with my dirty clothes and hair, painted fake toenails and general crazy.

I went into the blockbuster feeling like a teenage boy asking for a summer job with his mom out in the car. The E. Lynn Harris gentleman at the desk was so kind to me that I almost cried again. He looked into my eyes and told me that they were hiring in September and gave me the information in a very friendly and nonjudgmental tone.

So today, I applied online. A thirty seven page personality test ensued. I had taken it before, which was one of the reasons I dreaded applying. These tests always stump me.

You are often very anxious about issues in your life:
Strongly Agree
Agree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree

Strongly Disagree!!
I am a robot. I have no concerns. I have reached total enlightenment. I have no desires, wants, needs or problems in my life. This is why I have decided to apply at Blockbuster Video.

Madonna and Sandra

2007-08-19T17:11:00.001-05:00

1988. Those were the days. Those. were. the. days.

dragonslayer

2007-08-19T11:04:00.001-05:00

How wonderful it is when you discover something you were worried about is nothing to be worried about. A dragon, a demon breathing fire in your face -- you turn your head and it is vanished into dust.

Coming home from school, worried in the carport. Terrified to tell my mother, that yes, I had been reprimanded at school for something. Feeling heavy with dread, lead stomach. Then to tell her and she did not so much as blink. Fixing dinner. Perhaps other things were of more importance. And all that worry for nothing.

How much of my life is this? Worried about demons that do not exist. And most do not, most demons, dragons, rats crawling around my ankles-- they are not real. I would like to say that the dragon is gone. Yes, and I shall live my life without a care and a worry. But this is not the case.

I will always find a new dragon, something disgusting and terrible to spend the majority of my time concerning myself with until I learn to become a dragonslayer.

5 Questions with Mike from Big Brother

2007-08-01T23:44:00.002-05:00

Mike Dutz made such a graceful exit on Big Brother that I had to ring him up and ger his thoughts on the show and other important issues.

1. You have a great body! Where is the first place to start (exercise wise) that would get rid of a beer belly?
Cardio, lots and lots of cardio.

2.Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or Velveeta Shells and Cheese?
Velveeta Shells and cheese

3.Anything exciting happen while you were gone?
I've lined up potential work from being on the show.

4. Best moment in BB house?
The strong man competition!

5. How many wives does Magnus have?
7 wives

Love the show and really fell in love with you on the last episode. You should be really proud of yourself.
Thanks for watching and supporting me on the show. It was an honor to be there.

HAHAHAHA

2007-07-29T02:23:00.001-05:00

I haven't laughed so hard in months. Nearly pooped my pants. Another take on "Welcome To My Home!" A classic.

Moose Hoof!! Vageeenn!! Doggy running the camcorder.

booty bump

2007-07-29T02:13:00.001-05:00

I Love The Seriousness.

Caprice Classic

2007-07-28T09:43:00.001-05:00

Milly got the Caprice Classic from when her dad died. I remember the first night she had it, she drove up to the bar in it smiling ear to ear. She had been gone a couple of days because of her dad dying and everything. Her dad lived upstate. Milly grew up there.

Everyone said she looked like a man. She dressed like a man. We all wear our jean jackets and jeans and sneakers. I do, when I'm running errands and whatever. But she never dressed like a woman, not even for a wedding or a bbq. Milly didn't even own a dress, I bet. I wear my hair long and dyed blond. I'm a brunette. But I like mine blond, thats my choice. Just like it was Milly's choice to never wear a sundress.

So when she pulled up to the bar in that fancy car we all came outside. Boo came in and said "Milly's pullin' up in a Caddy!" Of course it wasn't a Caddy. Boo's taken so much crank, he don't know the difference between a Caddy and his balls. Boo's a crankhead. He gets to be real nervous sometimes. The first night I met Boo I was dancing with him and he started getting nervous and had to go outside and walk it off. The night Milly pulled up in that Caprice Classic that's what Boo was doing. Walking back and forth in front of the bar, mumbling to himself.

We all went running out and Milly had that smile on her face walking towards me.
I asked her where in the hell she got that car. She said it was her mom's and went inside. She didn't say anymore to me. Just walked into the bar.

When the two boys went missing I didn't think too much of it. The boys were from two towns over. It was sad to hear about, but I didn't know them and no one I knew heard of them. It was just another story on the news. Plus I had my own shit going on, Dennis and I were having a rough time. He wasn't working, which was one thing. When I found him outside snorting crank with Boo that was another. I took Michelle and moved in with my dad. I became more interested in the story of the missing boys when I was living with Dennis' dad. He had the tv on all day.

So one night when we were watching the "The Nanny" they broke in with a report that they had a suspect and it was Milly! Someone said they had seen that Caprice Classic at a park the afternoon the boys went missing. I found out later she had been questioned about it one night at the bar. Two policemen pulled her outside and asked her some questions, I guess. They let her go. I wasn't at the bar during that time because me and Dennis wasn't on speaking terms, you could say.

I think Milly would look nice in a dress. I think girls should dress like girls. Nothing mean, I just think it's fun to be pretty. But Milly would always wear that same outfit with the jean jacket buttoned all the way to the top and those jeans and hightops.

Pottery Barn

2007-07-20T20:35:00.001-05:00

With the events of this week I have finally had the time to sit down and write. I'm sitting at my Montego Roll-Top Desk enjoying a fresh cup of dark roast from our local specialty coffee purveyor. Although my Montego Roll-Top Desk is used for working at home, it also serves as the main showpiece of our sitting room which is decorated in The New Naturals.

Above my desk on my Holman Shelf I have grouped what I hope is a whimsical collection of decorative accents: Two Marble Eggs in neutral colors, a Prism Magnifying Glass and a Cane Log Basket. The Two Marble Eggs complete the story that begins with my Egg Shadowbox Wall Art that hangs in the hallway, visible from where I sit in my Megan Camelback Chair.

As you know, Carl was hospitalized. He collapsed and hit is head on the Umbrian Vase after falling from where he was sitting on the Brady Entryway Unit, putting on his shoes. I was in quite a panic as he lay there, unconscious on the Wide-Border Sisal Rug. While it did come as a shock there were signs...

The first came at a simple dinner party we threw this summer. We were finishing up our meal at the Como Extension Dining Table. Everyone agreed that it couldn't have been a better evening (Well, it could have been had my Bosphorous Candle Bowls not broken during shipping).

"We do take every effort in our shipping process to see that your purchases arrive safely," says Pottery Barn.com. I told the associate that seven recyclable packing peanuts aren't going to do the trick. She agreed and issued a $50 credit on my account which I put toward a second Herringbone Matelasse Bedding Collection. She resent the Bosphorous Candle Bowls and said it shouldn't happen again. I've heard that before.

There have been rumors that the Herringbone Matelasse Bedding Collection will be completely discontinued! Of course I anticipated a moratorium on the matching sham, as most shams aren't the biggest sellers. This isn't a huge inconvenience. I mix and match shams (In fact, I will say that I prefer the Palm Leaf sham with the Herringbone Matelasse duvet and coverlet anyway). A complete discontinuation of the Herringbone Matelasse Bedding Collection was a big shocker. I casually mentioned the discontinuation rumor to the Pottery Barn associate and she had no further information regarding either the sham or the entire bedding collection. I was left in the dark again, as usual. Remind me to tell you the Organic Bedding Collection story, that ones epic.

Anyway, that night as we were finishing dessert- a grapefruit sorbet served in Ceramic Chloe Dessert Bowls Carl complained of back pains and had to lay down. I didn't give it much thought, as Carl often complains of aches and pains and has to lay down. After our guests left, I finished washing dishes and put them away in our Distressed Avonlea Dish Cabinet. Then I went back to check on him and he was asleep on the Samantha Chaise. I considered waking him but he looked very comfortable and I left him there. Turns out that was a big mistake. The final spasm landed him in the hospital.

Carl had a NeuroDiskogenic attack. A rare but serious back spasm. I looked it up on our laptop, the one in the sitting room, on the Montego Roll-Top Desk, and I have joined a few forums about it.

I don't like the members of the NeuroDiskogenic forums. They are whiny, unmotivated, and nothing like my PB (Pottery Barn) forums. When there is something that needs to get done with my PB forum members, we get it done. The Organic Bedding Collection is one example, which, again is not something I will get into here. Not the place. Let's just say we got it taken care of.

Anyway, Carl is resting comfortably on the Spencer Sofa and everything is stable right now. The doctor confirmed that, and from what I can piece together from the NeuroDiskogenic forum, Carl will be fine and it shouldn't happen again.

2007-07-18T19:59:00.002-05:00

i remember listening to my whoopi goldberg record. she did four or five characters that were funny and really rocked my twelve year old world. i just saw a whoppi goldberg special on bravo, it brought me back to that time. when you would sit and watch or listen to a program and take it all in. no promos, no links to websites, no invitations to interact or vote.

i just hope that kids these days are being inspired and delighted like i was by my whoopi goldberg and joan rivers and bette midler records. it was an adult world that i was exposed to- smart and mysterious. things i didnt understand.

i dont know what im saying. i just think everything is so fast paced and ter

backyard childhood

2007-07-18T14:01:00.001-05:00

Palm tree in front
Pretending I was making pancakes with the dried leaves, I called them "cakehots"
Pretending to make ice cream with an overturned big wheel
The railroad ties bordering the back deck with flowers planted in them
The tire swing, rope and tree house in the tree in the back
The sliding glass door to my parents room with sheer white curtains
The large window in the dining area
My grandpa concerned that I was playing with Miss Piggy, having her descend on a rope from the tree
Sandbox I would bury my Millenium Falcon in
The floor to a airplane lavatory I used as a pool
A worn faded Garfield towel
Sleeping outside
Being inspired by amusement park stunt shows and trying to recreate them with the Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom soundtrack on tape
Picnic Table on deck
Tropical looking plants and bushes, not found in Illinois
Grey faded wood with rusty nail heads
A consistent sunny day
Being suspicious of neighbors in back and on both sides, not liking unfamiliar people
Rusty metal swing set, with swing, very hot slide, a four person swing that I pretended was a car

stable as a table

2007-07-17T15:50:00.001-05:00

feeling a bit better. feeling good. wanna put on my see through slacks and go see a picture show.

went to the library and checked out "49 up," "dolores claiborne," "camelot," and a history channel documentary on queen elizabeth I.

humid.

my ipod seems to have a crush on natalie merchant.

sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well

2007-07-16T16:38:00.002-05:00

so beautiful. makes me want to weep.

Pick A Tattoo For Me

2007-07-15T10:07:00.001-05:00

I have always wanted a tattoo but I can't decide what to get. Please free to send me ideas or comment with pictures on what tattoo I should get. If I like it enough I might get it.

**********************
MY FIVE YEAR PLAN

1. OWN A HOME
2. PRODUCE, WRITE, AND OR ACT IN AN ONGOING THEATRICAL PRODUCTION
3. GET PUBLISHED IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN A BLOG
4. MAKE ENOUGH TO SUPPORT MYSELF
5. TRAVEL OUTSIDE OF COUNTRY
6. QUIT SMOKING
7. EXERCISE (6 and 7 seem like the hardest out of all of these)
8. TAKE WHOLE FAMILY TO DISNEYWORLD
9. DANCE

Summer Drama!!!

2007-07-14T13:50:00.001-05:00

God how I love the Big Brother. So much fun. This video is an indication of why I am so addicted to the BB live feeds. Air conditioned high drama. Barefeet on cold linoleum. Love it. Love it. If your bored and lonely, I suggest you get the live feeds.

A sneaky lil' devil.

I need help.

the truth, ruth

2007-07-11T15:39:00.000-05:00

Feel like I am not taking action but I am. I have contacted people for help, have emailed about jobs. It is hard to do when you are so low. A sickness. An illness. Definitely. No matter how I spin it, no matter how much I blame myself. The evidence is here.

It is critical that I remember this. Once I turn on myself, blame myself-- it's over. The difference between a headache (sadness) and a brain tumor (depression). There are things I can do to help myself but I can't, I can't, can't forget that this is with me for life. Have to learn how to manage it better. Have to have all the safety nets in place always.

***********

I want to cry as I write this. Something holds me back. Probably some medication. I am not doing well and probably shouldn't be posting this. It's a testament, though. Perhaps helpful to others.

I will get through this. The only way out is through.

"The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately" -Alanis

me as a simpson

2007-07-08T08:48:00.001-05:00

www.simpsonsmovie.com

lets set our brains free

2007-07-04T15:21:00.003-05:00

hey you

2007-07-04T13:28:00.001-05:00

When Madonna's song "Hey You" came out I wanted to pretend like it didnt happen. I didnt like it. But the remix comes out and I'm all over it. Typical.

"First love yourself, or if you can't,
Try to love someone else."

Word.

Who do you want to be today? I want to be a preppie college graduate from the eighties. Wearing stone washed jeans with a long sleeved polo tucked in. A thin-ish black leather belt. Topsiders with no socks. Confident! A sports car. A long engagement with an unnatural blonde, that doesn't work out because she spots me going down on a college buddy. A successful career in marketing or business. A brief cocaine habit that lands me in rehab. These are just bits and pieces. I'm still sketching it out.

Goddam sleepy nap time man.

I am ~~reading~~ listening to "Againsst Depression," by Peter Kramer MD. He is the author of "Finding Prozac." He stresses that Depression is a disease. And not only that, a progressive disease that should be treated as agressivley as cancer. This was a mindfuck for me! Also reading about SSRI's and how they were not designed for long term use and can actually cause relapses if used too long. It's time to nip this. Nip it! This has been going on too long. I need to find a top drawer psychiatrist.

He also discusses the "charm" of the depressive. Because depression has been linked to artists, it has a romance attached to it. He suggests that this "charm" factor only lasts through the early stages of depression. Once shit starts to go bad-- it's not so charming anymore.

The longer it goes on the more damage it does to the brain. Fascinating.

I am trying to investigate myself. I am trying to figure it out.

The Jeremy Show Interview: Geoffrey Todd Smith

2007-07-02T20:31:00.002-05:00

Geoffrey Todd Smith is an artist who uses gel pens to create beautiful graphic paintings for you to get lost in. I met him many years ago when I was living in Crystal Lake.

I met you at Borders. You were talking to anyone who would listen about how you were so hung over because you had too many Long Island Iced Teas. What do you remember about me?

You were wearing white socks with black shoes and your hair was bleach blond. I thought you might prefer the company of men. You and a girl named Audrey were the only ones who would talk to me. She was 16. That's a tender age.

You use gel pens and scrapbook paper for your drawings. How did you come to use these and why?

A girl I know gave me a gel pen and I doodled with it. I thought it was refreshing to use materials that didn't have the history that painting had but were suitable to communicate my ideas.

How does it feel to be named by Chicago Magazine as one of the "rising art stars we should be collecting now" What do you collect?

I was surprised by the interest in the drawings over the past year or so. It is nice to know I am not just making them for myself. I collect gel pens for obvious reasons. I used to collect scratch n sniffs.

You watch television while you create your paintings, what shows do you watch?

At this point, whatever is on that I can listen to in the background but not get too distracted by. General Hospital played a role in my formative gel pen years.

Several articles have commented about how your work seems to capture a 1980's-teenage girl-video game aesthetic. Do you think your work is an expression of your youth in anyway? How about femininity?

They are very much inspired by the activities of youth that required my intense focus. Puzzles, board games, video games, sticker collections, etc. I understand the reference to femininity but I think that is mainly connected to my comfort in creating beautiful things. Artists often run from the term decorative but it doesn't bother me.

How did you pass time in your youth?

Played sports, cartoons, swimming, videogames, Ate a lot of candy, drawing, fought with my brother a lot.

Artists have a tendency to be crazy. Are you crazy? What really crazy things do you do?

I am not crazy. In fact, I am pretty well grounded in reality. I haven't had an apartment for almost three years. Not really crazy but perhaps a bit unusual.

I have always found the titles of your paintings to be poetic. Beyond your painting, do you see yourself ever branching out into other areas- music, film, writing?

You can't serve two masters. I have come to terms with my area of focus being visual art. My newest title is "The Graceful Ghost In the Chandelier Has Sexy To Spare And a Body That's Shear".

You are a big fan of music. What music should we be listening to?

Lately, I have been listening to Panda Bear, Handsome Furs, Hold Steady, Bright Black Morning Light, Peter, Bjorn and John, Jens Leckman...

I enjoy hearing what products people use. What shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, other grooming products do you prefer?

I like the moves Old Spice has made into the new millennium. That old shit was no indication of the way my armpits would be smelling in 2007.

When I lived with you, you would often complain about "summer balls." Has this summer been difficult for your balls?
Fuck yeah. Summer is always a bad time for bat wings!

Anything you want to ask me?
Have you ever had a toothache?

Yes, in fact my boyfriend has been having lots of toothaches and we have been treating them with "Oral Analgesic Paste."

Geoffrey's work can currently be seen at The Evanston Art Center's “Obsessive Explosive," at 2603 Sheridan in Evanston, IL through Sun 7/8. His work will also be at Western Exhibitions, 1821 W Hubbard, Suite 202, Chicago, IL in September.